


Severus and the Shadow

by Hfflanders



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Grief, Mourning, PostWar, Romance, severussnape - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:28:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 40,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22642603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hfflanders/pseuds/Hfflanders
Summary: Letitia Thorne. Wallflower. Ravenclaw. Silent partner. Friend to Severus Snape. The one who we never hear about, but the woman who stood beside him from the very beginning. What would it have been like to be Severus' friend, from the Marauder Era to the Battle of Hogwarts?
Relationships: Severus Snape / Original Female Character
Comments: 17
Kudos: 56





	1. The Beginning

September 1971  
First Year 

"Shame that you made the train" a black haired boy called out, round glasses and slim face 

"Screw you James" Leticia yelled back, wand gripped in her hand as she stomped back the aisle way of the Hogwarts Express 

She hated him with a passion. Him and his best friend Sirius. Ever since they had to be in witchcraft and wizardry junior school together. Having to spend hours a day with him, her mother constantly lecturing her on proper etiquette and small talk. He could hide behind his charm with any adult but she knew the truth. 

Mediocre talent with an inflated ego. 

"You wish" he rolled his eyes smugly, testing out the boundaries of being alone rather than within earshot of their families. 

Flicking her wand confidently, his mouth glued shut. Sirius jumped up indignantly, ever the dependable watchdog, but backed off when she knocked his wand out of his hand, her wand pointed at him too 

"You're crazy" he muttered, as she stomped back the hallway to an empty cabin. 

She wasn't crazy. She just didn't have time for stupid boys who thought they were smart. Her life revolved around the study of magic, whether she wanted it to or not. Several people nodded at her, having spent time with her in lessons. 

Her parents ran the most elite junior wizarding classes in the whole of Western Europe. They travelled as a family around the continent holding months long sessions of schooling. At the current time only pure blood or magical born students were allowed, and she didn't like that. It didn't seem fair for her parents to dictate who got to learn and who didn't. But it wasn't her place to say. 

"It will be good for you to go to Hogwarts, Leticia" her mother Victoria told her, giving her shoulders a squeeze before continuing 

"You can take advanced classes and maybe become head girl"

She smiled at her mother, dreading even the thought of being noticeable in front of that many people but promising she would try. Her mother and father liked success and the riches it brought. 

As the train started to chug along to the school, a red haired girl and black haired boy knocked on her compartment 

"Can we sit here?" the girl asked politely, the boy looking sour 

"Sure" Leticia answered, swishing all of her spare luggage up into a rack 

"Wow! How did you do that?!" exclaimed the girl excitedly, even the boy looked impressed 

She must have been Muggle born. 

"I'll show you. Take your wand, move it like this, and say wingardium leviosa" Leticia showed her, watching as she caught on quickly 

"You did really good Lily. Who are you?" the boy spoke up with a shy smile before turning his attention to her 

He liked her. The girl, Lily, paid no attention to his compliment. 

"Leticia Thorne. You?" 

"Lily Evans" the red head answered with a smile 

"Severus Snape" the boy told her awkwardly, looking as if merely existing was troublesome. 

"Nice to meet you both" Leticia answered out of rote politeness from her years of helping her parents train witches and wizards. 

"What house are you hoping to get sorted into?" Severus asked her curiously, eyes gleaming against his pale skin 

Honestly, she wouldn't care as long as it wasn't Gryffindor. She hadn't met one person in her life who wasn't an impulsive, overly dramatic blowhard that hadn't gone on to be sorted into that house. 

"I don't care really. I suppose Ravenclaw or Slytherin would be my top choices. I'm very smart" she answered honestly, watching as a conflicted expression crossed Lily's face but Severus nodded in approval 

"Didn't James just say that Slytherin was bad?" Lily asked Severus timidly

His thin face pinked up but he didn't say anything. 

"James Potter?" Leticia asked her, and they both nodded 

"He is a bully. He thinks he's the best just because his family is rich and he can ride a broom. Don't listen to him" she adamantly exclaimed to Lily, hoping she would listen 

"See? I told you" Severus muttered, arms crossed against his chest, sulking. 

Lily looked unconvinced as they all settled back into their seats and watched the countryside pass by. 

——————

The dining hall was huge, candle sticks floating overhead, hundreds of eyes watching them march down the main entryway. She stood behind Lily and Severus, recognizing several dozen faces of students that her parents had taught. Many of them smiled at her as she passed. 

The headmaster began to speak, Dumbledore. He came to her house several times, speaking with her parents about offering classes at Hogwarts. They always refused. Preferring to stay neutral or erring on the side of magical purity. He seemed kind but there was something uneasy about him that she didn't like. But, then again, her mother always said she would be suspicious of Merlin himself. 

"Lily Evans!" shouted the Sorting hat a whole later 

Lily sat on the stool expectantly and the hat barely touched her head before it shouted 

"Gryffindor!" 

Raucous laughter and table cheering exuded from their side as she smiled at Severus and sat down amongst her housemates. Letitia fought the urge to roll her eyes at their behavior. Her father said she came out of the womb angry at the world. Her older brother Samuel said she had a broom stick up her arse. 

Severus walked up when he was called, timid and shy. Like he wanted to disappear. The hat hemmed and hawed for a few seconds before calling out 

"Slytherin!" 

Dignified clapping arose from their table, Severus walked sadly to that side, an older boy with blonde hair patting his shoulder

When the hat called her name, whispers broke out amongst the students. Many knew her, and knew of her family. She didn't take much stock in reputation. Anything could be faked. She just wanted to learn. 

"Hhmmm I see many things. You could fit in well in Ravenclaw or perhaps Slytherin..." the hat whispered in her ear 

She glanced over at Severus, who looked near to tears as he gazed at his friend Lily, already laughing and chatting. She knew what he felt. Rejection. Her heart lurched forward unexpectedly. 

"Ah, you are worried about your friend. But you cannot spend your life worrying about others. This time is for you to learn. So better be...

Ravenclaw!!" 

The table clapped for her, several excited smiles at the fact that a Thorne would be joining their ranks. Severus never looked away from the Gryffindor table. Leticia sat beside a thin girl with a high pony tail who offered her a smile and a piece of hard toffee. 

This would be fine. 

——————  
February 

The school year was in full swing and everyone was back from the Christmas holidays. Letitia sat nestled in her favorite corner of the potions room, fifteen minutes early just to sit in the quiet, back against the wall but able to monitor what happened in the whole of the room. 

She was quiet, not speaking unless spoken to. Expertly sussing out people she could trust and those she couldn't, she made a friend in a girl named Antonia. They roomed together and shared an aptitude for research. Maybe she was shy or maybe she just didn't care to exert energy on making friends. Academics came easily, relationships not so much. 

People lived their lives so out in the open, without even realizing it. Often not noticing she was there. She heard all of the gossip and knew all about the dynamics of her house before anyone else, not that she had a chance to use that information yet. But she held it close to her chest, just in case. 

Severus came storming in, robes flying around him. He was holding a tissue to his nose, blood flowing. His eye was black and blue. Tears streamed down his face silently as he came into her corner. 

He knew where she sat mostly because he sought the corners too. Preferring solitude to fake chatter. They were good partners. Slughorn paired them together the first week after their first potion managed to kill the whole fleet of flobberworms instead of the prerequisite one worm. Slughorn appeared terrified of their combined intelligence. 

Her stomach boiled when she saw Severus' face. James had to be the one behind it. 

"I hate him. I never did anything to him" Severus growled, angrily wiping away his tears but wincing as he pushed on the bruise 

"He's jealous of you. Because you're smarter than him" she told him truthfully, closing her book 

"I just wanted to talk to Lily. And he was watching and started making fun of me. So I got mad and then he and his stupid friend jumped on me" the tears continued to spill out in anger 

"What did she say?" Letitia asked, already knowing the answer 

"She told them to stop but then she told me I made them mad. I was defending myself!" he cried out, skinny body shaking 

"Hold still" she told him, quickly taking away the bruise with a new skin repairing spell she learned from Antonia 

"Thanks" he muttered as he incinerated the bloody tissue with his wand 

He took out his books, beginning to study beside her.

"They're not going to get in trouble are they" she spit out, injustice rumbling in her gut 

"No. They won't" he answered defeatedly, flipping the page in resignation. 

——————

The sound of a crowd jeering and laughing made her walk outside into the bright sunshine. Severus was on the ground, hands over his head as James and Sirius jumped on him, spreading his books out and reading his notebook aloud

"Spent some time with my friend Lily today. She is very funny and kind. I think she is a pretty witch..." Sirius teased, stepping on Severus' back with his foot as he struggled to get up 

The crowd laughed, everyone enjoying a fight on the obvious loser. 

"Stop it!" Lily yelled, running over. 

"Didn't know Snivellus was your boyfriend" James puffed up his chest, daring her to admit it 

"He's not! And neither are you. Stop it right now" she told him indignantly 

"You can't make me" James fought back, eyebrow raised 

Letitia fought herself from running out there and sending him into oblivion. Biting her tongue, she cast a quick disarming spell from behind the pillar. Sirius fell over, allowing Severus to jump up. 

He pointed his wand at them angrily, eyes wild as Slughorn came around the corner. Mostly everyone dispersed as Slughorn began laying into Severus. James and Sirius grinned smugly and Lily said not one word. Everyone always believed the like able ones. 

He let them all go with warnings and she followed him into the hall 

"Severus didn't do anything! James and Sirius ganged up on him. They always do. They were reading his personal property! It wasn't fair to yell at him it wasn't his fault!" she grabbed Slughorns arm, vehemently defending her friend 

Slughorn looked down condescendingly, shaking her arm off as if she were a flea 

"Choose your friends wisely Miss Thorne. Lily Evans would be a good start. Come along to a dinner with her tomorrow in the dungeon. Your parents are good people, you could be too" 

As he walked away she simmered and cursed at his back.

It would be a cold day in hell before she ever attended a slug club meeting.


	2. Childish Tendencies

Fifth through Seventh Year 

"How was your summer?" Letitia asked Severus as they sat in their spot, stirring the final ingredients into their potion 

"I spent it with Lucius and Narcissa. I hate being a third wheel" he huffed, before asking perfunctorily 

"How about you?" 

Her summer had been spent teaching children. As usual. With her parents. It was something she loved but the walls of war were closing in on everyone. 

"Working with my parents. The usual" she answered with a shrug 

"I've made some friends, they know a lot of powerful magic. They say I've got talent" he told her proudly, for once his face not lean and sad. 

She knew who they were. Mulciber and Malfoy. Practicing the dark arts. Her brother warned her that they were fame seekers. Severus didn't need to be with them, he wasn't in his heart evil. Or power hungry. He just wanted some respect. Not that Dumbledore would ever enforce that. He only cared about the bright trophies. The marauders. Stupid name. 

At some point between first and second year, Severus stopped crying and turned the anger inward. He was an isothermal volcano waiting to explode. 

"Of course you have talent. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone" she told him sharply, a little too sharply 

"Yes I do. I have to prove I'm good at something besides potions" he pushed, scowl coming back 

"To who? Lily?" Letitia asked with a scoff

Lily Evans with her group of perfect friends, head girl, and not a worry in life. And she treated Severus abysmally. As an afterthought when he deserved to be the whole conversation. And now, she was dating James. 

It killed Severus. He loved Lily in a way that most guys their age didn't. It wasn't about sex for him. He saw something in Lily that she didn't. 

"Don't talk about her like that" he stood up defensively, chin raised

"Just be careful" she sighed, continuing her turn at stirring

"You have a family Letitia. A good family. You have something to fall back on. I don't. And it's my time now" he told her defiantly 

You have me, she thought angrily, pushing down the feelings. This wasn't good at all. 

"Okay. If you think it's best for you" Letitia answered back, resignation deep in the pit of her gut. 

He sighed, taking the long handled spoon from her, stirring for the next few minutes. 

——————

Severus shuffled away from the courtyard as she was walking outside a few weeks later. His hair was hanging in his face, trying to hide a gathering tear with a clenched fist. 

"What happened?" she asked, grabbing his arm 

"Never mind, it's not your business" he yelled, storming away 

Quickly walking out to the courtyard she saw Lily sitting on James' lap, giggling. Sirius and Remus sat by themselves chatting and Peter lazed idly by like a sunbathing animal. Walking closer she heard snippets 

"Can you believe he thought you would have dinner with him?" James joked

"We were friends. I don't think he has any one else" Lily stated neutrally 

"No wonder he's a weird, ugly freak. Too much time in his books. And I hear he's got a penchant for dark magic" James ranted on, possessively wrapping his arms around her waist 

"Should have let the tree get him that night" Sirius teased while Remus' face turned ashy. 

Finally, having had enough, Letitia walked over to them, not knowing what she would say.

"Stop talking badly about Severus. He just wanted to talk to his friend. That's not so wrong" she said, looking directly at Lily 

"I don't want to talk to him anymore" the redhead said disdainfully

"Why are you defending Snivellus, Letitia" James asked, sounding out her name in the same way he did when they were kids. 

"Because he's smarter than all of you combined. And for a reason that remains to be seen, he wants to be friends with Lily. You don't need to make his life miserable" she told them, Remus looking down at the ground. 

Coward. 

"Oh but I do. He deserves everything he gets" James announced with a laugh, and Lily said nothing. 

"You're disgusting. I hope you get what you deserve someday" she told them all generally 

"What does that mean?" Sirius spoke up, and from her peripheral she saw his wand raise and countered with a wand less block 

"You take it for whatever you want" she told them all, anger surging. 

"Sounds like you're just jealous" James sneered

"To be jealous you have to want something someone else has. And I don't want anything that you have" she snapped, rolling her eyes at them

She wasn't jealous. She was angry and disillusioned. But they manifested in the same way. Knowing that nothing would get solved, she walked away. 

—————

"We got perfect marks on our potion" Severus told her with a smile, passing over the parchment across the cool table as everyone cleared out of the classroom. 

"I wouldn't have expected anything less" she answered back, smiling unguardedly 

"I'm going to sit by the lake, would you like to come?" he asked her, tossing his books into his well worn bag. 

Heart jumping, she nodded and walked alongside him down to the sun drenched hillside. They sat against a gnarled tree, chatting easily, when the sounds of raucous laughter shattered the air. Before she knew what was happening, Severus was lifted into the air by James. 

A crowd of students began laughing. Severus' face turned beet red, his wand on the ground. Looking around, she spotted Lily. Determined to stop the humiliation, she ran to her, begging her to make James stop. 

When they returned, Severus' slacks were gone and only his boxers remained. Cheeks burning in shame for him, she summoned them as Lily tried to reason with James. 

And then she heard it. The word. What the death eaters said. What she knew he didn't really believe in. A curse word. 

Mudblood. 

As Lily stormed off, James continued to hold Severus in the air. In a quick swish, Severus was naked in front of everyone. Her hand flew to her mouth in horror. Deciding that she would rather have Severus mad at her for interfering than be completely naked, she knocked James over with a defensive spell, and sent stinging hexes to the rest of them. 

Severus fell to the ground, covered in dirt. She tossed him his clothes, looking at the ground. He hastily put them on, running back up into the castle. 

Following him, she begged him to stop walking and talk. He refused, anger and shame etched on his face and shoulders. 

"Come on Severus, please stop. We can go somewhere else. We can talk" she tried one last time before the splitting staircases in front of their common rooms before he whirled around, yelling in her face with wild eyes 

"No! Leave me alone Leticia! You don't know anything!" 

Embarrassment flooded her cheeks while the crowd outside of the rooms hushed to watch the spectacle. Refusing to lose face or give him the satisfaction of her words, she threw back her shoulders and shoved past him to her   
dorm. 

He could deal with the mess alone. 

——————

As Severus became more involved in the dark arts, they didn't spend any time together other than in the Potions lab. He chose to spend his time with Avery and Mulciber. It stung, and she worried. But it was his choice and with the possibility of impending war, she had to trust he didn't really believe those things deep inside. But she wasn't so certain anymore. 

That night was the end of seventh year. All of the upperclassmen were invited to a Slytherin only party at the Malfoy Manor; all Slytherin except her. Severus sent her a handwritten invitation a week prior, asking for her attendance. Uncertain of what she was getting herself into, she still accepted. She missed him, and maybe this was his way of making up his absence to her. 

Tonight was all or nothing. 

A tight green dress with a deep cut corset top and leather buckles across the back. The short skirt showing off her thin thighs covered in lace leggings and knee high boots. Black hair piled high atop her head with an emerald and pearl studded comb that her mother lent to her. 

Tonight she would stand out. 

Once into the party, she found Severus talking with Lucius. Taking a deep breath, she walked over to him, thoroughly enjoying his sharp intake of breath and equally hating Lucius' roving eyes. 

"Letitia?" Severus asked, glass of wine in clenched hand 

"Severus, introduce me to your friend" Lucius purred, taking her hand 

"This is Letitia Thorne, my potions partner for the last seven years" Severus stammered, mouth agape 

"Thorne? Any relation to Victoria and Seamus?" he asked knowledgeably

"My parents. Yes" she answered succinctly, knowing all that would follow 

"What a good friend to have Severus. You know all the right people. I won't keep you from your chat" Lucius oozed, gliding away 

"Enjoying the party?" she asked him, throwing back several shots in a row of fire whiskey that were floated her way 

"I suppose. You look...different" he noted, black dress robes pristine and buttoned tightly 

"I'm leaving for the summer with my parents. I thought it would be fun to go all in" she shrugged in feign nonchalance. 

"Come with me" he told her suddenly, grasping her hand, weaving her through the crowd and upstairs to a long hallway where he pulled her into a bedroom 

Heart thumping wildly, she swallowed down the excess spit and bile that was gathering. 

"I've joined the death eaters" he divulged, showing her his arm 

She gasped, the ugly mark brutalizing his skin, still fresh and bloody. Fighting to stay neutral, she touched his arm, wishing with all her soul he hadn't done that. He wasn't joining for the cause. He just wanted respect. They would kill him before he could escape. 

"They want me to have sex with a woman...Because I haven't, yet. But if I already have then they can't force me to do it with someone I don't like. I know we're just friends, but...Could you do that for me?" he muttered, still holding her hands, eyes flickering up at her from time to time 

Her nerves raced to her toes. Fingertips buzzing with electricity. Mouth dry as cotton. Having sex as some sort of initiation? And he didn't want to have sex with a stranger. He wanted a friend. He wanted someone he could trust. But not because he loved her. Not because he thought anything of her. A strange feeling spread through her belly and chest. 

"Tonight?" she asked, taking on the same business like manner that he exuded 

Severus nodded, eyes wide, looking as if he was willing his body to remain inside his skin. 

"Okay" she whispered, closing the gap between them, double locking and warding the door with her wand, protecting the walls from sound. 

"You really do look very pretty" he told her shyly, tentatively reaching out to touch her cheek. 

Tears stung her eyes. How long had she waited to hear those words? And now they were just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. But she kept going. For him. She couldn't save him from his choice, but she could save him from any further humiliation. 

"You don't need to lie to me" she rebuffed, kissing his cheek near his lips, hands on his chest 

His breath stopped and started, hands on her barely existent hips, tracing the ridge of bone 

"I'm not lying. You're very pretty Li......Leticia" he said firmly, stroking her cheek with a thin finger 

"Kiss me then" she dared him, pretending he hadn't almost called her Lily, that he wasn't going to continue to envision someone else when kissing her 

He stepped toward her, leaning down carefully, hand on her neck, nose touching hers, and finally, his lips rested on hers, dry and stiff with nerves. Her stomach rebelled, flipping over and over. This wasn't anything like she imagined. It should have happened in the safe space of love and lust. Not under pressure from authority figures on a power trip. 

"You're crying" he stated, wiping away the silent tears that had been streaming, burning her skin with salt 

"Sorry" she whispered back, swallowing the rest back 

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to" he consoled her, a tinge of rejection and sadness lingering on his voice 

"I just need you to be honest with me...Do you wish I was her?" she asked, taking a risk and running her thumb down his jaw 

"I know you're not Lily" he evaded the question, kissing her gently, carefully pulling the comb out of her hair, watching as her longs black locks fell past her shoulders 

"That's not what I asked" she wrapped her arms around his neck, tracing her tongue along his lip line, he allowed her into his mouth, exploring cautiously 

They broke apart, darkest cocoa brown eyes burning with adolescent desire. But also, fear and burden. 

"Yes I do" he muttered, clammy hands holding hers tightly 

Willing herself not to cry, she sacrificed any sense of dignity that she had left to show him that she was loyal. That she would do whatever it took to help him. To keep him safe. 

"It doesn't matter. I'm your friend and I want to help" she tossed out breezily, taking charge of the situation, kissing him again, beginning to unbutton his vest 

Kissing her neck, he moved down and unbuckled her dress, flicking it over a chair. Black eyes raked over her naked body, lips parted in anticipation 

"Take off your clothes too" she demanded, gingerly touching his skin as he undressed in front of her, rail thin and gangly. 

"Don't laugh at me" he begged, straightening back his shoulders 

"I would never laugh at you" she promised, kissing his chest and belly, walking him back to the bed, body on body against the soft velvet sheets 

Shaking hands exploring the others geography, his cold fingers exploring her breasts and bottom, kisses deepening, bodies turning warm. She reached down, cautiously gripping his erection. He groaned into her ear, pushing into her hand. 

"Should we..." he asked, positioning himself between her knees, body trembling 

She nodded, unclenching her muscles, helping him inside her body, slick from the kissing and touches. He pushed a little harder, sliding the rest of the way in. She gasped as a small rush of discomfort shot through her pelvis, disappearing quickly. 

"Did I hurt you?" he asked worriedly as he leaned over her, holding her body close to his as he instinctively began to pump in and out 

"No, it feels good" she whispered back, eyes wide open, memorizing the way his body felt against hers, kissing his neck, memorizing the line of his spine and the point of his shoulders, the sound of his labored breathing and grunts twisting her insides in a new and exciting way. 

How long had she envisioned this, and it was nothing that she expected. It wouldn't mean anything to him. She was just a task, a check mark on his list to being a better soldier. 

A few minutes passed before he froze, body pulsing inside of her, resting his forehead to hers, kissing her lips appreciatively, holding her face in his long fingers. 

"Thank you" he told her graciously, sitting up on the bed, the covers wrapped around his waist, the previous intimacy of the moment gone and only unspoken words and feelings left.

"You're welcome" she tried to smile, holding his hand in hers. 

"What do we do now?" he asked, eyes darting around nervously

"We'll go back to the party and you can tell whoever you need to what happened. Then I'm leaving tomorrow with my parents to teach in France" she laid out the plan, a dull ache beginning in her chest and staying there like a brick 

"When will I see you again?" he squeezed her hand, truly looking her in the eye for the first time that night 

"Does it really matter to you when you'll see me again?" she posited, not caring that she may hurt his feelings. 

She was always a backup choice to him. It was time to face that fact. She wasn't a child anymore. It was time to put away childish tendencies. 

"You're my friend..." he admitted, voice cracking 

"Maybe someday. I want to get as far away from here as I can..." she told him honestly, stepping into her dress 

He hopped over, buckling his belt, helping her with her back straps 

"I'll see you someday then" he bid her goodbye, placing the gentlest of kisses on her cheek

"Please be careful Severus. Promise?" she begged him, feeling the tears gather and blur her vision, kissing his cheek the same way 

"I promise" he swore gruffly, letting go of her hands and walking out the door. 

She dis-apparated on sight before she lost her control.


	3. Welcome Governess

May 1988 

"It is nice to see you again after all these years, Miss Thorne" Dumbledore smiled warmly as he walked around to his desk 

"I'm surprised you remembered me" she answered with a forced smile, then remembered to reign it in

"I remember many things Miss Thorne" he answered mischievously 

"You can call me Letitia sir" she corrected him with a more genuine smile 

"And you can call me Albus. So, your parents never took me up on my offers to teach here. I am surprised that you reached out to me. Why are you willing to answer my offer?" he sat back with a twinkle in his eye

Because she wasn't willing to let children suffer because of who their parents were. Because money didn't matter to her. Because she was suffocating under the thumbs of wealthy witches and wizards who could afford to ignore the real world. 

"I think every child deserves an education. No matter who they are or where they come from. I need to make my own life now" she divulged, leaning forward in her seat, a beautiful red Phoenix flying overhead 

"Quite right. Do I remember correctly that you were friends with Severus Snape?" Dumbledore asked randomly, eyebrow arched 

Her stomach lurched. Severus. She was dreading the memories of him that were held here. She hadn't thought of him much over the years. The last she heard, he was parading around with a mask before the fall of the dark lord. 

"I wouldn't say that we were friends. Classmates, I suppose" she told him honestly, knowing that wasn't the complete truth 

"Severus has been my potions professor for several years now. I thought that might help make your choice if you were old friends" 

What? Why would Severus ever return? Especially since getting involved with the dark arts? He never wanted to remember what happened to him here, they were the worst years of his life. 

"Why?! He hated it here" she blurted out, cheeks immediately flushing 

"Yes, well. Be that as it may, I made him an offer that he couldn't refuse" Dumbledore told her mischievously 

"Is that a wise choice? What with...you know..." she squirmed under his piercing blue gaze 

"Ah, yes. You haven't been around to see what I do. I have full faith in Severus. Shall I have full faith in you too, Letitia?" 

She sat up straight, shoulders back, confident in her abilities

"I've been teaching children since I was a child sir. I've taught across this whole continent, including at Beauxbatons for two years as their staff governess. I am excellent at what I do" 

Dumbledore smiled, offering up his palms 

"I am well aware of your accomplishments. I am ready and willing to offer you a position here at Hogwarts. Teaching the staff's children for one year. If it goes well, we can expand your responsibilities. You will of course be given lodging, salary, and all the...protections of a Hogwarts staff. Tell me, what do your parents think of this?" 

"They have been very vocal about their disappointment but they respect my choices. Their opinions don't reflect on me" she told him honestly, shrugging her shoulders 

"We all make choices, don't we? Funny how life can be altered in such radical ways by one seemingly small, inconspicuous choice...Anyway, welcome to the staff. Show me your lesson plans by the end of summer. You are welcome to move in anytime" he reached out to shake her hand. 

A new beginning. 

—————-

September 1988

"Severus, I would like to introduce you to our new Governess. I believe you were both in the same year?" Albus introduced her to Severus, knowing full well they were acquainted. 

Severus stared at her blankly, and many would fall for it. But his eyebrows lifted, stomach clenched, jaw tightened. He remembered her.

It shouldn't have surprised her. In the ten years since they last spoke, she had changed almost everything about her appearance and persona. Or rather, grown into her body. Grown into her profession. 

"Hello Severus" she replied painstakingly neutral, years worth of memories flooding back 

Slughorn's words still echoed in her mind

"Iron sharpens iron...Or perhaps I'm just containing the chaos" he had joked, wringing his hands nervously as their equally sour faces rolled their eyes at him 

"Leticia? You look...different" 

She laughed at his confusion. She had been stick skinny, pale, black hair always clipped up in a bun, nose in a book, socially awkward, and the smartest in her Ravenclaw class. That's why she and Severus got on so well; they got their work done with minimal attention to the others feelings. 

She forced down the memory of their last night together, bodies learned in the dark. 

Her stride came at twenty years old while teaching a class of young girls in France. Her black hair grew out, skin cleared, hips and chest sprouting like an end of season rose. The confidence in her intelligence and abilities rose to the surface. She still carried a book with her but for all intents and purposes she could carry out civil conversation and feign merriment like the best of them. 

Now at twenty seven, she came to Hogwarts with a renewed mission. Training and teaching magical children. 

"I suppose so. Ten years is a long time" she offered nonchalantly, remembering his annoyance with social pleasantries

"Yes. Yes it is" he answered cordially, looking at Dumbledore for permission to leave 

"Goodnight Severus. Leticia, Rosie will be up to show you to your quarters" the older man said with a smile, winking at them both before striding down the long hall 

Severus stood for a moment awkwardly, unsure if he should leave or stay

"You don't have to stay. I'll see you around" she told him with a shrug, offering a small smile 

He visibly relaxed, giving her a nod before stalking off. 

He had changed too. Face no longer gaunt and thin, body filled out, and wardrobe significantly more elegant and refined. The same burning black eyes. He held himself with more austerity. Perhaps that is how he saw himself. More confident. Less frenetic and eager to please. She understood that. Her family appreciated luxury, almost to their detriment. 

The black sheep of the family, she cemented her future when she accepted the position at Hogwarts rather than continue travelling with her parents and brother. Of course her parents offered no ill will, simply disappointment. They walked the line between appealing to blood purists and staying on the good side of the ministry. A rare feat. 

But she wasn't a fence sitter. Pure blood or not, children needed education and she would be there to provide that.


	4. Reacquainted

September 1988

"There's Severus Snape. Do you know him?" asked Charity Burbage, a professor at Hogwarts who had befriended her in the last several weeks after they realized their quarters were beside each other. 

How to answer that question? Simple was best. No need to give more information than necessary. 

"Yes, we went to school together. Are you friends?" 

Charity took a sip of her ale, shrugging her shoulders 

"We're colleagues. He doesn't seem to be good friends with anyone. He's a little strange but that doesn't mean bad..." Charity surmised, making eye contact with him and waving him over with a smile. 

He strolled over, pulling out a chair and sitting without a word. She couldn't get the image of teenage Severus out of her mind. But that wasn't who was in front of her. Now, he was a grown man with a different life. 

"How have your classes gone Severus? No explosions that I've heard about yet?" Charity asked cheerily

He offered a smile, a drink appearing in front of him 

"Not yet. I am not holding my breath that it will continue. But so far, this group seems very capable. But don't tell them that, they'll get big heads" 

Leticia couldn't help but laugh, his snarky demeanor refreshed her spirit. He didn't hold back punches, and in a society where everyone tiptoed, his takes were real. 

"Are you settling into your routine here Leticia?" he asked her in what could easily be construed as kindness 

A little stomach flip flop jarred her system. Something about his voice. Memories from the years spent across the cauldron with him. His cool and assured countenance invited her to rise to another level of accomplishment.

"Yes, thank you. It's been odd being back here after all these years..." she admitted, often feeling as if she had a lack of authority; so used to being the student she forget she was staff. 

"That'll come with time" Charity assured her, standing up and stretching, saying she needed to get back to grade papers.

A few minutes later, Severus asked her curiously

"Why did you come back?" 

That was a loaded question. She loved to teach, but she hated the politics of a school situation. She didn't like being seen. She preferred to be in the background, her whole life had been that way. But she came back because the world felt too big. All of the backlash of the war piled on everyone's shoulders. She wanted to change the next generation. To stop any bloodshed. 

"Because my family wanted to cater to a specific subset of society and I disagreed" she answered bluntly, tracing the rim of her glass with her ring finger 

He nodded, understanding what she inferred.   
But, he had wanted to cater to that subsection as well. His reputation as the years passed only became darker and more sullied. 

"Are you exiled now? Did Dumbledore recruit you for his team of magical misfits?" he asked her with a smirk, words humorous but dripping with vitriol 

"Surprisingly, no. I think I would prefer to be a magical misfit than a magical elitist" she told him with a laugh, watching for any hint of a reaction 

"You told me you wanted to leave and never come back" he reminded her, his memory suddenly returning. 

"I was also seventeen and emotionally defunct. You agreed with me...Why did you come back?" she asked, knowing only part of his history 

He stared down at the table, stormy expression fleeting across his face before answering 

"I was found in a rather compromising situation...I consider this job both a gift and my penance" 

She nodded her head, that made sense. It didn't seem like he had much of a choice in this career but she wasn't about to push the issue during their first time talking in ten years. 

"Well, here is to pride and penance then" she raised her half drunk glass to his, and he tipped his forward as the tiny glass clink rang in her ears.

————————-

January 1989

"Fill it up?" she asked him that night as they gathered in her room for a chat 

He rubbed his temples, head all the way back on the couch, nodding in exhaustion. Some days, the teenage drama was too much to handle, the expectations to teach terrifying. But mostly, the introvert hangover from constantly outputting was very real. 

"Please tell me your day was just as horrible as mine" he begged, easily knocking back his whiskey 

"I got puked on" she shrugged, sitting beside him on the couch. 

"I had a teenage girl sit at my desk and sob for a half over her deadbeat boyfriend. I caught her making an illegal love potion..." he poured another tumbler of whiskey, eyes rolling mightily 

"Just another day in Potions class?" she teased, jokingly elbowing him in the ribs. 

They were at the end of her first year at Hogwarts. Her program was flourishing, she was invited back the next year, and she and Severus had become friends again. After years away. After their rocky ending. 

He offered rare insights into people, seemingly hating his job while being incredibly skilled at it, and she didn't want to admit that she was beginning to feel something for him just like she thought she did while in school.

"Truthfully, yes" he prodded her back, sitting his empty glass on the table.

"Teenagers and toddlers are not so different you know? No ability to make decisions, meltdowns over seemingly meaningless things, extremely narrow worldview, and completely egocentric" she rambled on, pouring a third helping of whiskey. 

She could hold her liquor, she wasn't worried. 

"That is a very astute observation. What are your plans for this summer?" he asked her, pushing away his glass, stretching his long arms above his body languidly 

Truthfully, her plans had been to read and hibernate. Maybe spend some time with her best friend Antonia in the city. 

"I'm going to become a recluse. Hide away with my books and cat" she only half joked, sitting beside him in her usual spot 

He chuckled, a deep and pleasing sound

"I lean towards that disposition as well..." 

He cut himself off, not finishing his sentence. He shrunk back onto the couch, a bit of a blush creeping into his cheeks. 

She decided to finish what she thought he might say

"Maybe we could get together once a week. It's not too often I get along with someone as well as you" 

His lip turned up slightly, head still tilted down awkwardly. She didn't know what their boundaries were, friendship or otherwise. 

"That wouldn't be the worst thing to happen" he finally answered back, both standing up slowly, preparing to say goodnight 

She used her wand to write out her address on a spare bit of parchment 

"Just in case. I'll send Sunny to you next week" 

He took the parchment, slipping it into his pocket before remarking coolly 

"That is the most ridiculous name for an owl. Sunny" 

She laughed, his discomfort so apparent that he turned and left without another word. She would see him soon. 

—————  
July 1989

The July air hung around their shoulders, muggy and hot. The two of them sat in a pub near her house, drinking beer and chatting easily. 

"You have an admirer" Severus informed her, nodding in the general direction of said admirer

She rolled her eyes, ignoring whoever it was 

"Oh well. I'm already talking with someone" 

Severus shifted in his seat, assuring her with an edge of defensiveness 

"You don't need to do me any favors. If you want to...You know..." 

"I'm not doing you any favors. I'm having a good time with you. I don't want to talk to anyone else. That's it" she told him sincerely, fighting the urge to grab his hands 

From her left she saw a man in a business suit and slicked back hair walk up with a drink in hand, hopeful expression on his face. She smiled but waved him away. Crestfallen, he turned back around and sat at the bar. 

They didn't mention it again, although for the rest of the night Severus did have a peculiar smile on his face. 

Happiness.


	5. Her Mission

March 1990 

"Are you alright? I haven't seen you for a few days. And I've been holding this conversation afloat, which is no small feat for me" Severus asked her that night as they sat around the small makeshift fire that she charmed on her balcony 

It was true. She had been hiding away for almost a week, sulking. Her close friends hasn't bothered to invite her on a spring break getaway with them. Granted, she wouldn't go but she wanted the invite. 

Her brother Samuel got married to the perfect bride over the break; they planned the perfect storybook wedding and the entire family fawned over the two of them and subsequently spent a long weekend shaming her choice to remain single and teach. 

It wasn't like she didn't want intimacy or connection. That she didn't want some sort of happiness. But marriage didn't guarantee that. And she was incredibly picky. If someone didn't improve upon her silence then they weren't worth her time. 

She never felt such a hollow yearning as now. A yearning for something that she hadn't even realized she lacked. Or even if it was something she wanted.

"My brother got married and now he has the perfect life. So now, I'm the only one left alone. My family made me feel awful when I was there..." she told him, tossing spare bits of parchment into the fire 

"Ah. Not quite living up to their expectations?" he guessed, changing the flames to blue, then green with his wand 

"Apparently not. I never thought about it before. I've always been happier alone and I've never felt lonely. I have friends, work, colleagues...But now..." her train of thought wandered off, not knowing where she was going with her words 

"Don't make yourself common just for their acceptance. You're not like everyone else" he spoke suddenly with fiery conviction 

"I'm nothing extraordinary Severus" she told him honestly, no great beauty or heroic life tale 

"You don't have to be extraordinary in order to be respected" he chided her before advising

"Don't let narrow minds box you in" a tinge of protectiveness to his voice 

"But what if they're right?" she wondered, making eye contact with him for the first time that night 

"What if they're not?" he threw back, smirk on his face in the orange light 

"Do you worry about that?" she asked bravely, the subject of their personal lives had been strictly off the table for the last two years, she was taking a deep dive into uncharted territory 

A flicker of sadness washed over his face. She instantly regretted her words but had to live with them now. 

"You know what my life was like in school. Survival was all I wished..." he told her quietly

"I'm sorry I brought it up" she apologized, not wanting to bring him any more pain

"I enjoyed our Potions classes together very much. They were the only times I ever got a semblance of peace...When I was with you" he switched his train of thought, the flames changing to yellow 

He wanted to be close to someone who he thought viewed him as a person. The first interaction that hadn't hurt him. He was traumatized and looking for a friend. Lily was a fairweather friend, getting sucked into the clique of James Potter and his crew. The only reason they got away with things was because they were friendly and good looking. It was unfair and everyone ended up hurt. 

"You could have spent time with me outside of class" she told him gently, not wanting to dredge up the past but beyond the point of return now 

"I didn't want to put myself out there in case you would make fun of me too..." he admitted before shifting uncomfortably, changing the flame to purple. 

He had said too much. 

"I didn't then and I won't now" she assured him, staring at the ground 

"That's why I said don't let narrow minds box you in. I was a victim of my own narrow-mindedness. I missed everything around me because of one sole focus. And I'm paying for it" he muttered the last part, rubbing his temple 

She didn't know what to say. He loved Lily, that much was obvious. He was still hurting about the loss of love. Something else was going on. Something deeper. 

"You're right. I'm sorry for everything that happened then..." she whispered, sending stars up out of the flames 

"Don't apologize. Nothing was your fault" he told her, sending even more stars up 

"We're friends now though, right?" she smiled, hoping that he would affirm that 

He smiled back, nodding his head 

"In as much as I can, yes. We're friends"

——————

January 1991 

"You had to have cheated" he grumbled as she won their third game of chess 

"Sour grapes" she teased, stretching and cracking her back 

"You won three games in a row. I am a master at chess" he pouted, cleaning up the board 

"Maybe you should pay better attention" she flipped her hair sassily 

"I'm a man of my word. I'll buy your dinner tonight. Let's go, no gloating. It's very unbecoming" he teased back, standing up and holding the door open for her 

"I will gloat as much as I want. You know you would miss me if I left" she jostled into him, an easy laugh escaping his stoic face. 

"That I would" he placed a hand on her shoulder, giving it a quick squeeze as they left his room to get dinner. 

————————

June 1991 

She and Severus met that summer to watch the biggest Quidditch match of the year, Germany vs England. Not many would have taken Severus for a sports aficionado, but he was an avid quidditch fan. He showed up on her porch that warm June morning, beaming with the tickets in his hand. 

Watching high up in the stands, prime seating, they talked happily, friendship cemented and easy. A pair of acerbic wit and daggers with unending loyalty and sincere laughter. Three years since she arrived at Hogwarts. Life had gotten into a rhythm and she didn't want it to end. 

He leaned close to her ear, reciting the players names to her, pointing them out as they flew by, dodging errant quaffles. After a near stalemate game, the seeker for the Harpies did a sharp nose dive amidst thousands of excited shrieks. 

She grabbed Severus' hand, both squeezing hard in anticipation. The announcement came that the Harpies caught the Snitch. The two of them jumped up joyously, throwing their arms around each other, fists raised triumphantly with the stadium full of fans. 

Looking into his eyes, she saw a lightness that wasn't usually there. No responsibilities, no restrictions on their decorum, just the two of them being happy and free. He glanced down at her lips, face tilted closely to hers, his breath warm against her mouth, the space between them hushed and tenuous as the stadium celebrated around them. 

"Thank you Lettie" he told her happily, a name escaping his lips that she had never been called in her life. 

Very particular about her name, she never allowed anyone to shorten it. The diminutive felt condescending. Except when he said it. When Severus said it, in that instant, she knew she was loved and trusted for exactly who she was. Seen for who she was and not what she should be. 

She didn't bother to move from his embrace, arms around his hips, watching the celebration. 

———————

August 1991

Leticia walked into Severus' chambers that August, everyone moving in for the year. The overwhelming smell of fire whiskey slammed into her, making her gag and sneeze. Severus wasn't in the living room where he usually sat in his oversized chair with a book. 

Cautiously walking into his cream colored bedroom lit by modern candle holders, she held her wand out, relaxing as she found him splayed out on his lush green comforter like a starfish. Completely unconscious in a night shirt and lounge pants. She touched his neck, and luckily found a strong pulse. He reeked of whiskey. This wasn't normal. 

She noticed two empty bottles on his nightstand, dozens of photographs of him and Lily on his bed, notes handwritten in children's scrawl, journals full of lamentation of his life during school. What was happening that caused him to revisit the worst times of his life? She looked up to see the giant Pensieve on his desk, still alight with new memories. He must have fallen asleep while transferring them. His wand lay beside the bowl, unassuming. 

Curiosity overtook her, and she plunged her head into the bowl. Visions of childhood abuse, friendship with Lily, James become infatuated with her, the abuse he suffered from everyone, Sirius' endless bullying, the pain and sadness palpable and heavy. 

The scene changed to acceptance from the Slytherin house and subsequently Lucius Malfoy. The edges of the memory blurred slightly as it continued on. 

"Are you still friends with Leticia Thorne?" Lucius asked him curiously 

Severus' face remained passive 

"We are colleagues. We have had meals together on occasion" 

Lucius nodded, plotting a plan 

"You could win her over to our side. Having a Thorne working for us would hold a lot of power" 

Severus shrugged 

"The Thorne's are loyal to no side. Allegiance is not a strength of theirs. Are you certain that you want to try to sway centuries worth of neutrality at such a time as this?" 

Lucius answered smartly 

"I'm not trying to sway the whole family. You would simply try to sway her...." 

"Perhaps I could look into it" Severus acquiesced smoothly, not giving a direct answer but this seemed to appease Lucius 

The sky darkened and Severus stood talking with Dumbledore alone on the hills

"What will you give me in exchange Severus?" 

Severus looked grieved as he answered solemnly "Anything...No one can know" 

"That I shall never reveal the best of you Severus?" Dumbledore asked incredulously as Severus grieved silently beside him. 

The light switched and a familiar scene came into view. 

"We know he is resurfacing. They are recruiting and growing stronger" Severus told Dumbledore, in his office 

"We must lure him here. He will follow wherever Harry goes" Dumbledore spoke confidently

Severus winced as he agreed. 

"You remember our deal? You do whatever it takes to keep him safe" Dumbledore told him, vague threat lingering on his words 

"I will play my part. For Lily. I will keep the child safe" Severus grimaced, but his words were loyal and stony. 

"You must see this through to the end Severus. No matter what that looks like" Dumbledore warned, his glasses glinting from the fire 

"I will" Severus replied darkly, shoulders defiant yet slumped. 

Then a few memories surfaced of her. When they met again the first time, he was nervous. Herself from his point of view was incredibly flattering, all curves and soft swaying. The night he took her to the forbidden forest to harvest moon mushrooms, he stared at her face over the fire; her laugh carrying for yards. 

A flash of the hundreds of meals they've shared together. 

Their weekly chess game. 

The Holyhead Harpies game, focusing on when they held each other. 

Severus watching from the stone columns as she wrangled a small horde of chattering four year olds onto the quidditch pitch. Her laughter had made him smile. He watched for the whole class, his hands clasped together. 

She pulled her head out, gasping. He lay stock still, the pictures and letters and news clippings littered around him as paper bits of pain. 

He gave up his life to avenge Lily's death. To save her son since he thought it was his fault the baby lost his parents. He was using himself as bait and a sacrifice to atone for a sin that need not be remembered. He only believed the sad and despicable things about himself, it was easier to live a life of servitude that way. He didn't want to believe in any of his goodness that she saw. And it burned her alive that Dumbledore was allowing and even banking on that fact. 

Severus didn't need to sacrifice his life to save a boy who already had the world at his feet; who already had a community to rally for him. He needed to save himself now. 

Indignant anger burned her cheeks. 

The worst part is that he would never tell her. Because he was loyal to a fault. Well, she could be loyal too and she would never leave him. She could choose a side too. She could overcome years of neutrality. Years of making no sacrifice. 

No matter what these years would bring she wouldn't leave. He had enough leaving for a lifetime. Even if it killed her, she would stay with him. Even if it put her in danger, she would never betray him. He had to keep Harry safe and she could keep him safe. Even if he would never love her in any way; even if his love laid with a memory for the rest of their lives. 

She would stay. She had chosen. 

Walking over to the bed, she sat on the floor, cautiously stroking his fine hair. Tonight, he would be safe and well tended. She could have a mission too.

But he must never know.


	6. Year One

*the italicized words are taken from the "Sorcerers Stone." I did not write them, they are explicitly from J.K. Rowling.* 

————————  
September 

Severus was on guard and vicious. Stalking through the halls as if a cloud continually rained over him. The Sorting was about to begin and she sat at the farthest end of the table watching his measured movements as he waited for the student he swore to protect. 

Harry Potter. 

She watched as the seemingly shy boy walked up to the empty seat, the hat mulling over its decision before shouting out 

"Gryffindor!" 

The Gryffindor table erupted with cheers at having the honor of the Chosen One in their house. Severus' eyes zoomed in on Harry, eyebrow raising as the boy rubbed his forehead. Something was already going on, a plan already underfoot. 

She watched as Severus glanced around suspiciously, eyes focusing on Quirrel. Something wasn't right. The thin man with the unfortunate lisp made her uneasy, he seemed to be a beta, but a manipulative streak ran through him. And what was with the turban? 

Later that night Severus stopped by her room, pacing. 

"Be careful around Quirrel. He's off. I'll find out soon, but steer clear" he warned her, standing beside her arm chair awkwardly 

"Who will watch out for you?" she whispered quietly, looking up at him expectantly 

He smiled sadly, vanishing from her room without a word. 

She would. 

———————   
October 

The year paced by, Severus growing more vigilant by the day. As she cleaned up her classroom, she saw him limping by. 

"Severus, come here" she called to him, favoring his right leg 

He stopped but didn't come in. A moment passed before he entered the room and shut the door. 

"What happened? Why are you limping?" she questioned curiously, trying to get a look at his leg 

"That damn dog" he growled, shifting uncomfortably

"Why Dumbledore insists on keeping it here...Is your leg alright?" she asked throughly annoyed at the seemingly reckless choice 

She didn't even want to know why he had been around the dog in the first place. 

All the staff had been warned of the extra security measure: a gigantic, angry, three headed dog who only complied to music. They were told that the dog was protecting an artifact from a museum but she wasn't so sure. 

Dumbledore was smart and manipulative, she didn't trust him to tell the full truth. 

"Filch bandaged it" Severus muttered hurriedly, uneasy with her focused attention 

"Oh. Perfect. So Filch fixed it, did he? We'll be chopping your leg off any day now due to infection. Let me see it" she demanded, kneeling down to her knees in front of him 

He recoiled, angling away from her, awkward and nervous

"It's fine Lettie. Leave it" 

"Stop being ridiculous. Let me see your leg" she pushed, hands held out, staring up at him defiantly 

They stared in a tense stand-off before he finally rolled his eyes and held out his leg. She gingerly rolled up the pant leg, soft leg hair tickling against her fingers. A gigantic gash all the way up the side of his calf was still open, showing the beginning signs of infection, blood still seeping. 

She cleaned it with a charm, sending for her supply of dittany and cleanser; she had a well stocked arsenal of antibiotics and disinfectants for the multitude of scrapes and injuries small children incurred on a daily basis. 

Carefully, she poured some on a tissue and manually cleaned out his wound. He didn't say a word but it had to hurt. The wound was deep and angry. Cleansing it with one last antibiotic, she then charmed it closed. It would still scar but at least it wouldn't hurt anymore. Glancing up at him, he had an odd mixture of fear and comfort splashed across his face.

"Next time don't be such an arse" she admonished him, taking his hand as he helped her up 

"I can't really help it. That's just who I am" he teased back 

"You're not wrong" she answered with a grin, opening the door for him to pass through so they could make their way to dinner.

—————  
November 

"They let a first year on the team? As Seeker?" she questioned Severus while they waited in the stands for the first match to start 

Severus rolled his eyes, a foreboding figure in black, grumbling quietly 

"Of course. Anything for the boy" 

It was extremely rare for a first year to be allowed on the Quidditch team, especially in a position of power like the seeker. McGonagall must have seen something truly great in Harry, because she wouldn't favor a student. It wasn't in her blood. 

"Minerva wouldn't do that. She's as fair as a judge" she argued, ignoring a shivering Quirrell seated beside Severus 

"I would hope not but I question everything as of late" he muttered, crossing his arms as the teams flew out 

Eyes on the skies, she watched enraptured at the bodies in flight when suddenly Harry's broom started to twitch and barrel roll. 

"Something is wrong" Severus stated, beginning to mumble under his breath, not breaking eye contact

It was a counter curse. Looking around, she tried to find anyone else doing the same thing. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Quirrell's lips moving. 

Traitor. 

The smell of singed fabric reached her nose. Looking down she shrieked, whipping out her wand and jumping up to stomp out the cloak. Severus knocked Quirrell over in his haste to stamp out the fire. A collective sigh escaped from the crowd as she looked up to see Harry begin to regain control over his broom. 

"Someone cursed Potter's broom. I'm going to speak with Minerva" he whipped around, hair and cloak flying behind him. 

—————  
January 

"Those kids are up to something" Severus griped as he read a book in her common room, leg jostling in restlessness 

"You know it's weird to harbor so much animosity towards children" she warned him, eyebrow raised 

He shut his book loudly, sighing in frustration 

"They're not just children. They are scheming. Trying to get into things they have no business being in. Meddling in adult affairs. That damn Gryffindor need for glory" 

"I feel like you're projecting a little bit" she offered honestly, not seeing the glory seeking streak that he did 

"Oh really? I think you are woefully uninformed" he spit back, arms crossed defensively 

"And you can't tell me, so therefore I remain uninformed and you get to remain pissed off and self righteous" she replied smartly, not caring if he got annoyed 

His cheeks flushed, but he didn't leave. A few minutes later he told her 

"The expectations on his life are not ones that a child should have. I just want him to understand that. He doesn't get the depth of his calling" 

"He's twelve. And he's not as smart as you were. You were a genius, still are. You can't hold people up to your expectations" she reminded him, pouring him a glass of scotch 

"I have night watch. Guarding that damn dog again" he complained, draining the glass quickly. 

She didn't envy him, night watch was the worst duty of being a professor, especially having to teach the next day with little sleep. Lucky for her, she didn't have that duty as governess. 

"It's all some elaborate scheme isn't it? Dumbledore is using us all..." she asked to his back, prickles of unease creeping up her spine

He stopped, offering her a single nod before leaving the room. 

——————  
May 

"I've won six years in a row Minerva. Lucky seven now" Severus teased in his dry monotone as Minerva passed by him in the hall 

"Enjoy it while you can. Next year we will make a comeback" she promised as she walked past, their house rivalry friendly and competitive 

"My students are ambitious and clever. Of course we won again" he turned and spoke to her, pride in his voice and face

"You're proud of them" Lettie noticed, not used to seeing that side of him. 

It warmed her heart slightly. 

"Yes. For the most part. They do not have it easy in a castle where everyone thinks them villains or dark arts worshippers. Even the staff is prejudiced against them. I just try to level the playing field" he explained to her as they began to eat dinner in the great hall 

Slytherin did get a bad name and not many tried to alter that perception. Severus was doing the noble thing by backing up his students. By dropping his shields a bit behind the walls of the Slytherin common room. Perhaps he was too harsh on everyone else, but he knew what it was like to be unfairly treated for things there was no control over. 

The great hall was hung in silver and green banners, the Slytherin table jovial and in their best attire. Severus squared his shoulders, walking confidently through the crowd up to the staff table. 

Quirrell was absent. Gone. Permanently. The details foggy but he had put himself in the wrong place at the wrong time. And with the wrong person. At first, her need to know clouded her vision but then she realized she didn't care. And she shouldn't care. She trusted Severus to tell her what she needed to know. 

Dumbledore stood up and the hall instantly hushed

"...Now, as I understand it, the House Cup here needs awarding, and the points stand thus: In fourth place, Gryffindor, with three hundred and twelve points; in third, Hufflepuff, with three hundred and fifty-two; Ravenclaw has four hundred and twenty-six and Slytherin, four hundred and seventy-two." 

"Yes, yes, well done, Slytherin," said Dumbledore. "However, recent events must be taken into account."

"Ahem," said Dumbledore. "I have a few last-minute points to dish out. Let me see. Yes...  
"First -- to Mr. Ronald Weasley..."

"...for the best-played game of chess Hogwarts has seen in many years. I award Gryffindor House fifty points."

"Second -- to Miss Hermione Granger...for the use of cool logic in the face of fire, I award Gryffindor House fifty points."

"Third -- to Mr. Harry Potter..." said Dumbledore. The room went deadly quiet. "...for pure nerve and outstanding courage, I award Gryffindor House sixty points."

"There are all kinds of courage," said Dumbledore, smiling. "It takes a great deal to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends. I therefore award ten points to Mr. Neville Longbottom."

"Which means we need a little change of decoration."

Suddenly the colors switched from green to crimson. The Gryffindors cheered raucously, sending smug looks over to the Slytherin table. Mouth agape, she looked to Severus whose face had gone blank. She turned to the Slytherin table, all pride gone from their faces, ego deflated, and some had begun to leave without eating. 

Injustice rose up through her spine. 

She glanced at Severus again, who was watching his students shuffle away with their heads down. His expression turned mutinous, fists balled in anger. His students were rejected. Embarrassed. Ashamed. In front of the whole school. For nothing they even knew about. 

That wasn't fair. Overt disrespect by the headmaster who swore to protect all students. It was blatant favoritism to Harry and his friends. It was rewarding them for behavior that they weren't even allowed to partake in. Or it was all part of Dumbledore's scheme. 

Her blood boiled as she watched a first year begin to cry into her plate, sadly taking the emerald ribbons out of her hair. Severus watched it too. He bit his lip and pushed his plate away. 

He stood up stiffly and stalked past her spot at the staff table, conspicuously tapping her shoulder, telling her to come.

He leaned in to the head boy, girl, and prefect as he walked out. They nodded and began gathering up the students. 

"This is unacceptable!" he whispered hoarsely to her as they descended into the common room 

"Why am I here? I'm not a Slytherin" she asked him, the coolness of the stairs radiating up into her shoes 

"I'll make up an excuse. I want you here. Is that okay?" he snapped, shoving open the door for her

"Yes, of course" she answered softly, the whole of the room a giant glass wall looking into the black lake 

He paced back and forth, hands wringing, cheek being chewed; eleven year old Severus flooding over the surface. This wasn't about his ego at losing the House Cup. It was about his students being slighted, maligned, and embarrassed in front of the whole school. An abuse of power that no one would stop. 

The students came trickling in, heads down, shoulders slumped. Others with their head held high, defiant and angry. They had every right, that was a cruel and callous act by a man who should have known better. 

Or he knew exactly what he was doing. That was an even worse thought. 

When everyone had filed in, Severus cleared his throat and the room immediately turned to him, attention rapt 

"We are Slytherin. We are ambitious and cunning. Intelligent. Resourceful. Loyal. You all worked honestly and diligently to win the House Cup this year just as you have the past six years. You have represented your house, your ideals, and your classmates well. And you have represented me well. 

I want you to listen completely. I'm only going to say this once. You deserved to win tonight. We face prejudice from the other houses. Do not engage with this because you will not win. 

Trust me. 

Continue to represent your house well in spite of this setback. In everything you do. 

I am proud to be your head of house. Do not ever let me see you walk with your shoulders down or your chins to the floor. Emmaline, put your ribbons back in you silly girl. You are not cowards or losers. You are Slytherins and that is something to be proud of. 

Do you all understand me?" 

She smiled as every student in the room sat up straighter, much prouder after Severus' speech. He rallied them together under a united front of their most desirable traits. He was being the teacher he wished he had. As much as he claimed to hate his job, he was damn good at it. 

"Yes sir" the room answered clearly 

"We are still going to have a celebration. As planned. Be respectful to the elves as they bring the desserts and drinks. And introduce yourselves to Governess Thorne, we will be working on a staff project together tonight" he told them all sternly before waving them away to socialize as the treats appeared on the tables 

Together they sat in the corner watching as the mood in the room lightened considerably. 

"You are a good Professor. You knew exactly what they needed to hear" she complimented him, pouring them each a flute of pumpkin juice 

"I shouldn't have had to tell them those things. They deserved to win. The fact that Potter got rewarded for disobeying the rules just like his blasted father is disgusting. And I can't do a thing about it. Just control the damage" he raged, making certain no one was listening 

"It is wrong. But no matter what you think, these kids are lucky to have you" she told him frankly 

"Have some pie" he told her, pushing a slice of apple pie towards her, ending the conversation. 

They were all lucky to have him.


	7. Year Two

"I'm worried about you Letitia. You have bags under your eyes and you're losing weight. Are you alright?" her mother, Victoria, asked her the second she set foot in the door for Sunday supper. 

"I'm fine mum. This year has just been a little stressful..." Letitia admitted, not wanting to tell her mother about the possible killer on the loose within the walls of Hogwarts. 

"I've been hearing some word through the grapevine that students with Muggle lineage are being hurt" Victoria said neutrally, hoping to get some information 

It was true. Muggleborns were being targeted. A pure blood wave came hurtling through the school and it was terrifying. No one felt safe. Especially since no one knew what was actually causing the petrifying. Was it a lone student? An outside force? A ghost? There wasn't any way to prepare. 

"Yes, they are. But as of right now, it's being controlled" she told her mother cautiously, careful not to let out any school secrets.

"Why you chose to work there I'll never understand. Just remember if it gets too dangerous, you always have us to come home to" Victoria reminded her with a smile.

"I know mum. Thank you" she responded, sitting down at the table where a glass of wine was waiting for her 

—————

"There's going to be a dueling club starting, to teach the students how to defend themselves" Severus told her a few days later as they sat in her living room 

"Do you think that's a good idea? Right now it feels like they all want to start taking cracks at each other?" she questioned nervously, the mood one flicker away from a forest fire 

"They have to learn how to de-escalate. Because right now they just want to give into their emotions. It's not helpful. And I let Lockhart think it was his idea..." Severus told her with a smirk, rubbing his eyes 

Lockhart was useless. A buffoon. Coasting through life on lies and puffery. She had no doubt that Dumbledore was allowing these untrained men into the castle for a purpose. To lure out evil. To bring it forward so it could be taken care of. But he was taking a gigantic risk that no innocent students would be harmed. 

"How are the mandrakes?" she wondered, finishing up some lesson plans 

"They won't be ready for quite some time...We can only hope no students become petrified. Filch is upset enough about his cat and I've been getting nothing but complaints from Lucius all year about unfair treatment to the Slytherins" Severus rambled on, stretching out on her couch in a way that was completely opposite to how he held himself in his class. 

All the responsibility. He was shouldering the brunt of teaching the students Defense lessons, albeit covertly. Lockhart was no use, and although Severus appeared cruel and uncaring, he didn't want any student to be harmed. He needed to teach them how to be properly prepared. A sour knight of sorts. 

"I think I'll come to watch the dueling club. I would love to watch Lockhart get his clock cleaned" she muttered 

Severus' expression turning from stormy to amused as they sat in silence, both feeling the weight of fear on their shoulders.

—————

She stood at the edge of the crowd, watching as Severus and Lockhart took the platform above the students. Severus wore his concentration like a cloak while Lockhart flounced about. 

"Severus is going to massacre him" she whispered excitedly to Professor Sprout who was practically levitating beside her with a look of utter glee on her face.

"Oh I hope so! Teach that smug bastard about giving me advice when he doesn't know root from bud!" 

The staff knew Severus would take up for them when the time came. That made her proud. 

"Expelliarmus!" Severus spoke authoritatively, effectively sending Lockhart across the room and into the wall 

She slapped a hand over her mouth, shoulders shaking hysterically. Lockhart crashed into the wall like a rag doll. 

"Oh he got him good" Pomona whispered, thoroughly enjoying herself, bouncing on her heels and clapping with her fingertips 

She watched in concern as the children devolved into a fight. What was Severus doing? He called them apart, and paired mini Malfoy with Harry. She caught his eye, wondering if he was somehow enjoying this. If he was provoking them on purpose. But he was watching the two with a shrewd and calculating gaze. She gasped as a snake flew out at Harry, and he began to hiss, the snake seemingly obeying him. 

The joy she felt was instantly replaced with unease and worry. It was always one more thing. Severus dismissed the group of children and disappeared out the side door. 

"Poor Potter. He can't catch a break" Pomona lamented 

"I know someone who would agree" Letitia told her with a knowing smile.

She left the great room, on a search for Severus. She found him outside, walking   
a secluded section along the back side of the lake, throwing stones. 

"You made Pomona's day" she told him with a smile 

"Lockhart is an ass. I don't feel bad about that one bit. I've actually wanted to do that for a while" he admitted, perfectly skipping a smooth stone across the surface of the water 

"I enjoyed it. Kind of wish I had the chance myself" she laughed, staring out into the stillness of the water 

"I like a witch with a bit of a vindictive side" he smirked devilishly, eyebrow raised

Rather than answer, she let the compliment linger over her. 

"Real life isn't like a duel. You showed them how easy it is to get distracted" she noted in the uneasy silence 

"They can't afford to get distracted by things like feelings and feuds...They have to learn to make it work for them not against them" he spoke smartly, yet exhausted 

"Harry is a Parselmouth, isn't he?" she asked a few minutes later, trying and failing to skip a stone, it just sank with a plop 

"Yes, and now he's got an extra target on his back. But he knows how to defend himself. If he paid attention. That's something" he answered with a half smile, not willing to divulge more information 

Being a Parselmouth was a uniquely Slytherin trait. One passed down from Salazar. This would lead people to think Harry to be the heir of Slytherin. That would cause even more jealousy and fury. But now, she didn't want to focus on that. 

"What are you going to do?" she questioned, resting her legs against his 

"I have no idea. Keep as close an eye as possible so he doesn't get petrified...Give him detention every single night until he graduates..." Severus suggested, absentmindedly beginning to sway them back and forth like a pendulum. 

"Show me how to skip a stone" she asked with a grin, hoping to distract him from his thoughts 

Holding his hand out, he showed her how to hold her fingers and let it go. Pull back and slip through. But it wasn't happening. It still sank to the bottom of the lake with a hearty thud. His shoulders began relaxing as they chatted, the wind blowing their hair about, cooling their cheeks and fingers. 

"Here, like this" he eventually said, standing directly behind her, his stomach to her back, right arm wrapped around her waist, thumb casually hooked into her belt loop to steady himself. 

Placing his left hand over hers, he helped her squeeze the stone, gracefully pulling her arm back and arcing it forward, pressing on each finger as he whispered in her ear

"Pull back, gently, you're not catapulting it. Now bring your arm around to the front. It's a slow release, feel as it leaves each one of your fingertips, and watch as it glides across the top of the water..."

With baited breath she watched as the stone took two little hops and sank. Progress. 

"How was your family dinner? You've survived seemingly unscathed" he inquired, retrieving another flat stone from his pocket and placing it in her hand, running his fingertips down her arm, covering her hand with his as they threw the stone again together 

Relaxing backwards against his body, head to chest, she thought through her answer

"My mother is worried that I'm not safe. She's hearing who knows what kind of gossip. She wants me to come home and teach with them..." 

"Will you leave?" he asked, trying hard to keep his voice level

"No. This is my job. My home. I've made my own life here now. I'll see it through" she answered logically, if not a bit pridefully 

"Do you feel unsafe Lettie?" he questioned, lips grazing her ear as he spoke, tapping her fingertips with his. 

Dangerously unsafe. Right on the edge of a tightrope. Being dared to jump off. 

"No. Not at all. But perhaps I should" she answered coyly, proud to see the stone skip four times 

"You never have to be afraid...I'll keep you safe" he promised, now simply holding her against him as they watched the small ripples cross the lake 

"I know you will" she assured him, allowing their hands to rest against the other, his arm a warm weight across her stomach 

"Stay with me for a bit?" he asked softly, resting his chin on the top of her head

"No other place I'd rather be" she said with a smile, leaning fully back against him with her eyes closed, the sound of his heart a welcome lullaby

—————

"I have to say that I am not particularly thrilled that I was in the same castle as a gigantic, man-eating snake controlled by a disembodied dark wizard" she stated to Severus as they packed up their things for the summer. 

He chuckled, folding his clothes into a trunk

"I don't think many people would argue with you on that point" 

"Did you know it was there?" she asked plaintively, flying several books into a trunk 

"Absolutely not. The Chamber of Secrets was simply lore...None of us expected it to be true. I even think Dumbledore was surprised by that one" he laughed sharply 

"You mean he wasn't the one orchestrating the chaos for once?" she explained as the trunk closed 

"It's only going to get worse. They're trying to smoke the dark lord out of hiding. And by controlling the ways in which he can get at Harry, and at Dumbledore, we control the situation" Severus told her wearily

"That poor girl Ginny could have died. At what point is it wrong for these things to happen in the name of the greater good? And at what point do we realize we are playing god with children's lives?" she pressed, fingers fumbling with several scarves 

"I don't know...But I have to stay until it's finished. Who knows when that will be" he muttered, sinking down into his bed, fists balled into his eyes 

"You don't approve of what he's doing, do you" the question wasn't a question but a statement 

"No, Lettie. I don't. But I have to follow the rules. It is my job to teach them how to survive. How to survive anything, even events orchestrated by their own professors. By the ones who they trust the most" he admitted, voice straining at the thought 

"I know you can't tell me everything. But I can't live in ignorance of what is going on around me Severus. I could get hurt, or worse, the little ones I am in charge of could get hurt" she said, sitting beside him on the bed 

"I will tell you as much as I can. But my role in this war, and make no mistake, that is what it will end up being, is ambiguous at best. You may change your opinion on our friendship at some point..." his words came slowly, with much deliberation 

"No I won't. Don't be ridiculous. Now tell me how we're going to survive the summer. Are you going to spend the weekends on my couch?" she teased, eagerly awaiting the times when they could be alone with no other interruptions. 

"A time is coming when we won't be able to spend time together like this Lettie. When it will become too dangerous to be my friend. When I will have to ignore you. And you will have to ignore me. And I fear I am being selfish by allowing it to happen now when it can't later...I feel as if I'm taking advantage of you by showing you a way of life that can't be sustainable" he told her awkwardly, refusing to look her way 

He didn't want to get attached. Or have his memories used against him. Or put her life in danger. But she would fight to the bitter end for him. She was no coward. 

"That's exactly why we should spent time together now. Store up for when the time comes that we can't" she laid down beside him, taking his pinky in hers like grade school children 

"If my memories of us get accessed..." he muttered, not willing to say what could happen 

"I know my choice. I know your limitations" she told him confidently, knowing in her heart it was going to hurt. 

"I don't deserve a friend like you Lettie" his words dripped sorrow as the sound of a ticking clock punctuated the air 

"Don't talk like that. Let's make plans for the summer" she admonished him, staring up at the ceiling, counting the lattice squares 

He held her hand now, fingers laced. 

Best friends.


	8. Year Three

September 

"Are you brewing wolfsbane potion?" Leticia asked as she made her way down into the dungeons, the day before school started 

"Yes" Severus answered softly, stirring slowly to the right 

"For Remus?" she whispered, walking up beside him, trying to judge where he was at in the process so she could help 

His shoulders tightened as he answered evasively 

"It doesn't matter who it's for" 

"I know. I'm not going to out him" she spoke gently, beginning to chop the monkshood in the exact manner he had showed her in school. 

It was a well kept secret that Remus was a werewolf, through no fault of his own. She found out during their later years at school after Severus was nearly killed. It wasn't fair that he needed to take care of Remus when Remus had done nothing to care for him. But she was seeing that Severus had begun to lean into doing the right thing. Even at his own expense. Even when he shouldn't have to. 

"I am beyond trying to guess what Dumbledore is thinking in his hiring process" Severus grumbled, light blue smoke starting to curl out of the cauldron 

"He probably brought him to protect Harry...Maybe he wanted to give him a chance to reconnect" she offered, handing him a flask and cork. 

"Certainly. Everything done for the boy and no one else's safety or consideration put in place" he replied sharply, charming the potion to fill in the flasks. 

She remembered years before, in school, Remus always quietly watching his friends escapades. He hung back, never interceding never leading the charge. He was just as guilty in her mind because he let his friends assault and torture Severus with only a small inflection here or there to stop. He may have a kind soul but he was complacent. Perhaps time had wisened him. 

"You didn't deserve what happened" she told him firmly, clasping her hand to his shoulder 

He stiffened under her touch, staring at her hand as if it were a snake. She didn't move it. He needed to know he didn't deserve anything that happened to him. That it was a grievous error that nothing had been done to punish his tormentors. That he still had to be around those people who had done nothing but stand idly by as he was attacked.

They were free falling from their prior level of intimacy and it was shredding her. Not that he hadn't warned her that it would happen. 

"I'm taking this to Lupin. Come with me and we can go to the Forest and gather ingredients for this week" he told her, looking away from her inquisitive gaze, carefully moving her hand to her side

She nodded, fighting the urge to squeeze his hand. It wouldn't help the situation. Nothing could help someone who hated themselves.

The blissful naïveté of the summer was gone. Languid days reading and taking walks. Weekends spent in London. Blessed security in their friendship. But as the school year continued on, things had shifted from slightly confusing, to downright dangerous and continually triggering. Their relationship had switched from being sweet and somewhat tender to ragged and rigid. 

Severus began to withdraw into himself, shielding her from his thoughts. The summer had been easy and light with laughter and sarcasm. But once the students came, the situation turned dark and tense. 

The choice to stay seemed even more clear cut now. Stay. 

—————  
November 

"Did you hear what he did?!" Severus raged as she sat in one of his overstuffed chairs in his common room.

She hadn't heard anything floating around, but then again she was around children. Most of the gossip she heard centered around who had the newest broom and who still wet the bed. 

"No, but you're going to tell me" she spoke lightly, hoping to break his spiral 

He reminded her of teenage Severus. Raging and out of control. Not anything like adult Severus, wound up tightly and cooler than ice. Something must have happened to trigger old memories. 

"Lupin! He had Longbottom imagine me in a dress! In front of a whole class of students! It took me days to get the students back in order when they came to my class!" he fumed, annoyance flowing 

"Then maybe you shouldn't be so mean to that poor kid. But you're right, Lupin was wrong..." 

"Twenty years later and he is still making a mockery of me! Humiliating me in front of everyone! I can't live this way!" Severus ranted, hands wringing and eyes wild 

Fire roared across her skin. Lupin might have thought it would ease a students mind, to see a mean professor dressed up funnily, but there was something more insidious happening there. He was still getting digs in at Severus, all the while pretending to be the good guy. 

Not to mention he needed Severus to brew his potion so he didn't rampage and murder half the student body. And he would get away with this nonsense. Again. 

"I'm sorry Severus" she apologized, watching helplessly as he paced around the room. 

"I just can't escape. No matter where I go. Every hallway at this damn school a memory. My mind is always reminding me of things I wish I could scrub away..." he sat on the floor by her feet, massaging his temples.

Nothing she said would make him feel better. She could only commiserate. She stood up, pouring a shot of whiskey for both of them, floated it over to him and toasted 

"To forgetting what's on our brains for one Friday night" 

He chuckled lightly, pouring a healthy second shot and then a third and fourth in rapid succession 

"Keep up little Lettie" he teased, wincing at the burn in his throat, sending her over three shots to take 

"I'm not so little anymore" she teased back, sequentially downing each shot 

Fire all the way down. 

She could use a good black out. Her brother Samuel recently announced the pregnancy of his first child, a girl. Her friend from school, Antonia, was getting married soon. Not to mention that the dementors terrified her. Their presence put her on edge. Not that the whole school wasn't on edge lately, fearing an attack from a deranged Sirius Black. 

Driven mad from his choice to sell out his friends to the dark lord. Coming to kill Harry now too. So much for safety and protections at Hogwarts. 

Sixth shot. 

"Your cheeks are flushed...It reminds me of when we used to brew in class, your hair would get wispy around your face and your cheeks turned the color of pink carnations..." Severus noted unguardedly, eyes surprisingly clear for the amount of alcohol he had so far consumed

Her brain dredged up a memory of brewing a potion, feeling the sweat prickle her skin, the warm moisture from the liquid saturating her face. How did he remember that? 

"I didn't think you noticed anything about me" she offered, not intending any double meaning but instantly regretting her statement the moment it slipped out

"I did and I do. Just because I can't act on my impulses or whims, doesn't mean I don't notice" he told her gruffly, slamming back a shot to which she immediately followed

What did he mean? Act on his impulses? Did he secretly want to be impulsive with her? Or someone else? God, she didn't know if she could handle pretending to be okay with him loving someone else again. He was still living with his allegiance to Lily, some form of trauma bonded love. 

He was drunk. She needed to take what he said with a grain of salt. 

"I'm sleeping on your couch tonight" she announced, shifting the conversation as the whiskey bottle ran dry and she felt her eyelids becoming heavy 

He stood up, touching her arm as he summoned over a thick flannel blanket, gently shaking it out and covering her with it. Vetiver, oakmoss, and minty herbs filled her nose. She might have to steal this blanket. 

"Good night Lettie" he whispered, making his way to his bedroom with a wobble before shutting the door with a thud.

—————  
January 

"Anna, hold your wand straight. Perfect. Do not point it at Henry. Tongue to yourself please..." Letitia gently reprimanded the little girl with pigtails who was leaning over to swipe a cheek with her outstretched tongue. 

Four year olds were a blend of chaos and beauty. Their brains stored and memorized information at amazing speeds, but they were also capable of chaos and capital destruction in under five seconds. 

"Hold your wands straight. Good. Focus on the target. And ague!" she shouted out, the children sending water to the targets across the hall. 

Her family spent several years collectively inventing a wand that didn't respond to actual magic, but was instead for training purposes and could be charmed by the owner to respond in any number of manners: this time it was water. 

Children under age eleven weren't allowed to use magic and neither were they mature enough to control their limbs or emotions when learning spells. This was for the safety of all involved. 

The wand her family invented together was solely patented to them and they held the rights to who could buy one and for what purpose. By the time the children got their actual wands, they had several hundred spell movements and incantations already memorized and placed comparably ahead of their peers. 

Walking around, she repositioned their short and chubby fingers in a more secure position, extending their arms in proper form, tilting up chins and straightening shoulders. Proper wand etiquette was an art form. 

"Next, lift the balls off the ground with your wands. Good! Keep your eyes on the ball, oh you are all brilliant!" she clapped happily, her entire demeanor different around children. 

Children thrived best in positivity, and they couldn't perform their best if they felt their worst. She had spent her whole life around children, never truly feeling like one herself. She always saw a family in her future, but the current prospects didn't have that possibility shining too brightly. Pouring all she had into others was the only way to calm the flame inside that burned her, constantly reminding her that she had no control over anything. 

No family. Only solitude. 

"I see your parents coming. Put your wands in the basket and I'll see you tomorrow!" she told them, watching as the dozen or so staff emerged from the doorway. 

It was Thursday. Time to get to Hogsmeade and spend the evening with Fin. That usually soothed her mind for awhile. 

Fin was the owner of a small pub in Hogsmeade. Lesser known than the Three Broomsticks and mostly known for its homemade brews and dinners. They had a once a week arrangement that suited both of them rather well for the last five years. Dinner, sex, some talking. No further commitment.

Knocking on his door, he opened it quickly, enveloping her into a tight hug, picking her up and carrying her easily back to his bed. Just what she needed. No foreplay, just action. 

"Harder Fin!" Letitia gasped into his shoulder, biting down with her teeth and digging her nails into his back 

"Anything you want" he panted into her ear, locking his forearms around her shoulders, driving into her as hard as he could until he cursed, a string of Gaelic profanity so fierce she didn't need it translated. 

His wavy brown tousled hair nearly covered his eyes, bright blue and silly. She enjoyed talking to him, there were no secrets. His nature was open and unabashed. Lovely and kind. She should have chosen him. Any woman in her right mind would. 

"You're so pretty Letitia. You deserve to be told that everyday" Fin rolled off of her, kissing her cheek 

"Thank you..." she muttered, still unable to take the compliment. 

He told her that every time they were together. All the time. Covering her in honeyed words and kisses. 

"You're a little angrier than normal tonight. Everything okay?" he asked her concernedly as they lay back on the bed, his lilting Irish accent masking his concern. 

Yes. No, not really. Their arrangement was fine. But she was beginning to feel guilty that she couldn't envision any man but Severus when they made love. 

"I'm fine...Nothing I can't handle" she told him with a smile, kissing his cheek appreciatively 

"Letitia...I um...I wanted to ask you something" Fin began, brushing the loose hair behind her ear 

Oh no. He looked so serene. She nodded for him to continue 

"We've been meeting up almost every week for what, five years? I wanted to know...If you ever thought about us, being anything more? We already have great sex, we talk and laugh, and I know you want kids. I do too. We could really give this a go" he offered sweetly, kissing her lips 

That sounded perfect. Everything that any woman would want. And she knew she should say yes. Everything she ever wanted. But it just wasn't right. 

"It sounds perfect. Absolutely lovely. And I want to say yes...But I can't" she answered honestly, voice faltering at the look on his face. 

Betrayal and sadness. 

"Is there someone else? Not that we're monogamous, but, is there?" he questioned softly, pulling up the covers to her chest

Yes. No. There wasn't a good way to answer that. It was murky. 

"No...I don't know...Maybe...Possibly..." she stammered uncomfortably 

"But you want there to be? Is that why you haven't wanted to take this further. We could be happy. Is this person...Worth it? Are you certain? Because I have it in me to love you for the rest of my life. But if not, then I need to move on. I'm getting older...I'm ready to settle down. I can't see you anymore if your answer is no" he told her softly, regret coloring his words, giving her every chance to change her mind. 

Make a stand. Don't be a fence sitter. A side has to be chosen, even if it's the wrong one. Time to take a risk. 

"It has to be worth it..." she told Fin, sitting up in his bed, giving him one last hug, his strong shoulders and musky cologne wrapping her up one last time 

"Good luck Letitia. I hope it works out" he kissed her cheek, sad but respectful 

She hoped it did too.  
—————

Her door opened later that night as she laid in bed, feeling stupid and pathetic. She wasn't expecting Severus tonight, why was he here? Eyes burning, and makeup for sure a mess, she lay there, giving into her fate. 

"Lettie? Are you alright? Minerva said she saw you walking back from Hogsmeade crying...What happened?" he called out in alarm, swinging open her bedroom door without invitation 

Damn it Minerva. To hell with this small campus living. She didn't need everyone knowing her business. Still, she nodded, slightly uncomfortable at her state of undress, a threadbare nightgown and slippers. 

"Are you sick?" Severus asked worriedly, touching her forehead with the back of his hand, easing himself down onto her bed 

"No. I'm fine Severus" she tried to assure him, ducking her face down but he didn't believe her

"You're not fine. You're lying to me. And badly" he chided, handing over a handkerchief from his pocket 

This wasn't something that she should discuss with him right now. It would only serve to stress him out more. To put one more thing on his plate. She had to choke it back. 

"So what. Everyone lies. All the time. We're just living one big lie" she ranted, reeling herself back in quickly before she spilled her secret, dragging her knees up to her chin 

"You're right. But you aren't like everyone else. You always tell the truth" he waved his wand over her face, puffy skin instantly feeling refreshed, tear streaks no longer burning 

A bit of her heart broke. She never told the truth. If she did, he wouldn't even be here. Grin and bear it. If she told the truth, she would be alone. 

"You want to know what's really bothering me?" she decided to let him in, continuing as he nodded solemnly 

"Do you think I'm pretty?"

Straightforward. Awkward. Boundary crossing. Stupid. 

"Excuse me?" he questioned, instantly flustered, leaning away from her 

"You heard me" she stood firm, staring him down. 

"This is completely inappropriate. Why would you ask me that?" he stammered, legs jostling as if they wanted to flee 

"I just want to know. It's not a hard question. You either do or you don't. It won't offend me" she shrugged her shoulders, the implications tangling in her gut

"Lettie this is ridiculous. Come on" he pushed off her request, not moving but rolling his eyes 

"If you don't want to answer then you can leave" she gave him an ultimatum, arms crossed over her chest 

"You're being insufferable" he insulted her, hoping she would get mad and send him away 

"I've been called worse. Answer or leave" 

He sighed deeply, rubbing his temples before spilling out frustratedly 

"No, I don't think you're pretty. Because pretty is only skin deep. Pretty is an insult. I think you're beautiful. Beauty is all encompassing. There, are we done with this display?" 

A self conscious grin covered her face, staring at the blanket. 

"No. Don't smile. You didn't win anything. Lettie, you're breaking down. We can't do this. We can't play this game" Severus continued on, forcing her face up to look at him 

"Excuse me? Play a game? Do what?" she bit back, exposed and raw, knowing exactly what she was doing 

"You're losing it. Life is only going to get worse. If you can't handle it, you need to go back with your family. I can't validate you, or be something that I'm not. You can't wait around and expect that" he told her gruffly, saying in not so many words yet too many what she feared 

"I can handle it. You weren't supposed to be here tonight. I would have been fine if you had just waited and talked to me tomorrow. I would have been put back together. I would have held myself together, alone. But you came here. Uninvited. Because you were worried about me" she reminded him angrily, not meaning a word of what she accused. 

"Good. Then you handle it" he stood up, stalking towards her door, flustered 

"I was offered an engagement tonight from my lover. He wants to get married and have children with me" she called to his back, hoping it stabbed him in the one spot in his soul that he kept unguarded with her 

He froze, turning partway to look back, his fist squeezed in his pocket, jaw locked 

"What did you say?" 

"I said no. Because I can handle it alone" she laid back on her bed, entire body pins and needles and fury

"Well, we all make choices, don't we? And we don't get rewards for them" he responded cryptically, slamming the door shut behind him. 

What an ass. She rolled over and tried to fall asleep. 

—————  
February 

"I'm sorry. I handled it badly. Please forgive me.   
-S.S." 

She folded up the piece of parchment after not speaking to Severus for two weeks. She wrote back quickly 

"Come have a drink. There's nothing to forgive.   
\- L.T."  
————

June 

"He got away! And now I look like I'm the crazy one! Why does this happen?!" Severus yelled late that night, waking her up from a deep sleep 

Groggily, she sipped some tea, her robe pulled tightly around her, looking out the window, realizing the dementors were gone. 

"I don't understand what happened. They caught Sirius?" 

"I had him! And Peter Pettigrew! But they both got away and I know Potter and Granger had something to do with it. He was here and then he was gone!" Severus rambled on, seething 

"Do you really think Sirius would have killed Lily and James? Severus, think clearly for a second here. He was their watchdog" she tried to reason 

"No! He betrayed them and Lily died because of it! And I had him tonight and he got away! I told Dumbledore not to let Lupin in here. He didn't take his potion tonight and he could have killed Harry! What if this was all a grand scheme?!" Severus cut her off, ranting in what seemed like nonsense 

"Drink your tea. You're way out of control and you're not making any sense" she commanded him, pointing at the chair beside her 

Begrudgingly, he sat down, taking the smallest of sips. He began to walk her through the events of the night. Harry getting lured to the pathway under the whomping willow...Just like him during their school days. Severus found Lupin and Sirius, both swearing that he was innocent and that Pettigrew was truly the villain. He held his head as he described being knocked unconscious by Potter, and waking up to find that Sirius was gone by some miraculous event. Not being believed by Fudge or Dumbledore. 

"I look like I'm crazy with a hellbent vendetta...I just need to keep the boy safe" he ended the story, his head beginning to bleed again from where he got hit. 

She stood in front of him, looking down as the adrenaline left his body 

"I believe you. I just think maybe you're a little...biased. Sirius, for all his flaws, and they are many, loved Lily and James. Peter was always a lackey. You know that. What if it is true?" she tried reason again, slowly, blotting away the blood before magically stitching it up. 

His eyes were as wide as saucers, he was concussed which didn't add to his confused mental state. Sighing deeply, he suddenly wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into him. Resting his head against her chest, he closed his eyes. He relaxed against her, his nose pressing into her breast. Body stiff and awkward, she held her arms up, not wanting to touch him for fear of breaking the moment.

"I hate all of this Lettie. And it's just getting started..." he muttered cryptically, squeezing tighter, his nose and cheeks pressing into her sternum. 

"I know. But you can't give up. That's not who you are" she tried to cheer him up without lying about the possible outcomes of this situation. 

"You don't know who I am..." he lamented, closing his eyes in exhaustion 

"Yes I do; no more talking. Just stay here" she commanded him, holding him against her chest, gently stroking the hair and scalp behind his ear. 

He growled in annoyance but stayed silent as they rocked back and forth, drinking in the other's company.


	9. Year Four

"Bulgaria is going to win, we're not debating that, right?" Letitia asked obviously as they made their way to their seats high up in the dome 

"I tend to like to argue just because it's in my nature. But this time, I'm not. Bulgaria for the win" Severus replied with a curt smile, covertly glancing around, keeping an eye out for any possible altercation 

His senses had been heightened since the end of school year and they showed no evidence of backing down. He was stricter with their communication and began to advise her not to speak about their friendship to anyone. He hadn't spent any part of the summer with her, instead choosing to send letters back and forth under pen names. 

"Just colleagues and make it believable,"   
he made her promise the day before when they met up to travel to the World Cup. He wasn't certain he even wanted to attend, but she assured him out of the thousands of people there, no one would notice him. 

And no one had. Times were different since their last match together. The years made changes that no one could foresee. 

Hidden away in a tiny pocket of people, in the farthest corner, they had the vantage point of height, the players whizzing directly overhead, swooping and swirling gracefully. 

"Thank you for forcing me to come" he said to her with a smile

"You won't be able to relax when the kids come to school. It's an obligation of friendship to make sure you have a little fun while you can" she spoke of when 'the kids' return, knowing that he would understand which three she meant 

He squeezed above her knee tightly, far away from the view of anyone else. It had been so long since they had been together. Wanting to touch him too, she placed her hand over his, giving a quick press. He suppressed a smile and held his hands together in his lap, studiously watching the players. 

The realization that she missed being beside him crashed upon her like a tsunami. Their arms rested against each other, legs following suit. The weight of security wrapped her up tightly. No matter how many one night stands she had, no matter how many whispered words of passion other men would tell her in the dark, no matter how many asked for her commitment, nothing would compare to simply being beside Severus. 

After the win, they walked to the neighboring village where several pop up pubs were filled with wizards and witches from all countries. Taking a back table, they sat and chatted while drinking pints. She didn't want the night to end; she loved seeing Severus happy and free from responsibility. It didn't happen often and was similar to watching a blue moon appear. 

Splendid and inspiring. 

"I've missed you...Perhaps I've been too strict with the rules" he told her with a repentant shrug, shuffling his feet as they walked out of the pub 

"I missed you too...I looked forward to your letters" she admitted, closing the gap between them 

"I don't want you to leave yet. Come home with me tonight..." he offered his arm, face bent down, cheek against cheek, expectantly holding his breath 

The nerves shot down to her toes. Should she accept? Did he want to spend more time together before the start of term? Did he want more? His work didn't permit him to have intimate relationships, and she had told herself that was fine. This was a crossing of a clear boundary. Going against everything they had agreed upon in the last six months. But he brought it up. And she was more than willing to give in. 

Anything to keep him safe. 

Looking around to make certain no one they knew was within the vicinity, she leaned up and pressed her lips to his cheek, dangerously close to his lips. Holding herself there for longer than acceptable, this was no time for mixed messages. Just as he began to turn his face to meet her lips, screaming and crashing surrounded them. 

Their bodies jerked apart, wands at the ready. Horrified, she looked up in the air and saw it: the dark mark. Dread filled her body and she almost threw up. It was happening. Again. 

Glancing at him, gauging his reaction, he was lucky that no one noticed. The disgust and repulsion stood out angrily. Slightly green. It was clarification to her: he may have been a death eater, he may have to pretend to be one now. But he wasn't. Not in his soul. But before it could be held against him, his expression neutralized. 

"Go home. Ward your doors. Wait for my post. I need to find Albus" he warned her, gripping her shoulders tightly 

"Please be careful" she begged, wanting to throw herself around him and keep him from leaving but standing firm. 

Nodding, he dis-apparated into the night. 

——————  
November 

The months after the incident at the World Cup proved to be fairly calm, the several dozen students in her program were doing well and the teachers she hired were performing beyond her expectations. Although everything was going well, she kept expecting the other shoe to drop. 

Letitia made her way back to her room after having spent the evening with Madame Máxime in the Beauxbatons lodging. Madame oozed grace and charm, and was integral in helping her unlock her inner confidence and giving her the room to grow and learn during the two years she worked on staff with her. 

As she rounded the corner to her room, Severus came into view. After their near kiss in August, the boundaries had been reinforced. Strictly monitored communication, early weekend tea, and once a week after dinner catch up. Their friendship had begun to feel more like a business interaction. 

"Are you okay?" she blurted out, skipping over to him 

He rolled his eyes, beckoning for her to follow 

"I have a surprise for you. Unless you don't want to come" 

"No need to be snippy" she chided good naturedly 

Taking her down the back stairwell, hidden from students, they made their way outside. Shivering involuntarily in the cool air, Severus silently took off his cloak and wrapped it around her shoulders. Breathing in deeply, she nestled beneath its pleasant weight and scent. 

The Forbidden Forest came into view, and the sounds of dozens of voices began to float toward them. Severus tapped on a tree with his wand and a shimmery wall disappeared. Whatever was in the Forest was being well concealed behind some top shelf magic. A few yards into the forest, a surge of heat hit her and the source of it came into view. 

"Oh wow..." she breathed excitedly, gripping Severus' hand 

"Dragons!" 

The gigantic twelve foot monsters stood chained but calm, roaring loudly and boasting of their fire power. Her fascination with dragons started at a young age and hadn't stopped. Her mind skipped forward, the task was tomorrow. 

"They have to fight dragons?!" she squeaked, hand over mouth 

"Yes. They'll need to steal an egg from it" he told her, admiring the fearsome beauty of the beasts 

"Can we sit together?" she asked, completely enthralled by their majesty 

"Yes" he agreed, stepping to the right, allowing his body to inconspicuously rest against hers as they watched the fantastic beasts roar and preen. 

Magic. 

—————

January 

The Yule Ball festivities began that night, and the students were fluttering with excitement, nerves, and hormones. Not that she could blame them, she remembered the dances from when she was younger. Happily dressing up with Antonia, discussing who would end up with who by the end of the night even though she knew no one of importance would pay attention to her. 

She piled her hair on top of her head, allowing some pieces to frame her face; easy and classic. She gingerly picked up the silver box that appeared on her desk that afternoon complete with a piece of parchment, ink penned in familiar scrawl 

"Could your Ravenclaw pride give way just this once? I will see you at the Yule Ball, whether I want to be there or not.

\- S.S." 

She hid the box and note in her safe, and poked two small emerald studs with silver backing through her ears with a smile. Next, she clasped the thin silver chain holding a dime sized, polished, tear drop emerald. Elegant, understated, and slightly luxurious. It was no wonder that he picked them. 

Of course it was nothing more than a friendly gesture. If it was more, he couldn't say. Wouldn't say. His actions spoke louder than his words ever could. Every small token or handwritten note was a way he expressed what he could never say. 

Wearing them made her feel safe. That it would make him happy, which seemed increasingly rare these days. He thought of her when he bought them and that meant a lot. 

She stepped into the black silk dress she had painstakingly picked out, charming it to tighten around her, cleavage perked up, zipper closing by itself. 

The sounds of jubilant teenagers greeted her as she swept down the grand stairs, watching the main dance as Harry and the other Champions waltzed around the floor awkwardly. Stuffing children into adult roles always gilded the same results. 

She made eye contact with Severus as he scanned the room for any sign of mischief. The corners of his eyes perked up slightly. It would have been easily missed by the untrained eye. 

He was happy to see her. 

"Good evening Professor" she greeted him, standing alongside the row of other staff as they watched the last of the formal dancing. 

He nodded in her direction, not saying anything. Looking around at the indoor icy wonderland, she noticed Karkaroff staring daggers at him, hand clenched around his arm. Heart racing, she thought of the dark mark. Why else would someone do that? Severus' arm had to have been hurting too but he showed no signs of discomfort. 

"Do be cautious tonight" he warned as he walked past her, fresh herbs and mint wafting up her nose. 

The crowd began to break up as the band started to play 

"I saw his arm" she whispered, knowing that he heard her

Walking past her, he brushed his soft coat sleeves against her bare skin, thumb pressed deeply into her wrist, back straight and rigid. 

She smiled, staring at the ground. While everyone twirled happily, she hung back, chatting with Charity and Trelawney; happy to be unnoticed. The hairs on the back of her neck refused to go down, she couldn't see him anymore, he left the main hall. 

The hours ticked by, slowly the students thinned out of the great hall. Eleven o'clock signaled that the teachers were able to leave their posts. She made her way back to her room, hand clutching her wand just in case.

Glancing around her room, nothing looked tampered with. Karkaroff was acting strangely, and big celebrations were always a cover for something darker. It was easy to be covert about misdeeds under the guise of frivolity. 

As she sat on her couch, a weight began to descend on her. Severus could be in danger. If the dark lord was calling on his servants again, then he would have to show up for role call. He couldn't enjoy one night without watching out for Harry's safety, Dumbledore's plan, or his cover. 

A surge of repressed memories welled up. She hadn't been lonely then, but now, she was. And the prospect of losing Severus intruded on her mind for the first time. Perhaps she could go visit Charity. 

The lock on her door tumbled loudly and Severus stepped in, brushing snow from his sleeves annoyedly. She held herself back from launching at him. He was safe. For now. He smiled at her, holding his arm out. Curiously, she took it, allowing herself to be lifted off the couch. 

"Teenagers are murder on my nerves" he complained 

"They specifically target you for their debauchery because they know how much you enjoy it" she teased, hair twirling as he waltzed her across the floor 

"You think you're joking but you're right" he rolled his eyes, strong arm around her waist, hand splayed across her lower back. 

Severus sent a spell to her radio, music floating out. They silently spun around the room, him leading confidently. This was the kind of memory she wished she had from dances in her youth. The kind of memories she wished she had of the two of them together. It may have taken years but it was worth it. 

Arms around his neck, she cautiously laid her head on his chest, closing her eyes contentedly. His heart beat strongly against her ear, the rise and fall of his chest soothing to her jumbled up nerves. Their dancing had mostly ceased to a simple shuffle, around in a circle. 

He tightened his arms around her, the weight of his chin resting on her head. He trusted her. More than anyone else. Trusted her enough to be vulnerable when that was enough to get him killed. 

Her skin burned as his left hand made its way down to the small of her back, to a spot on her backside as his other hand took its time moving along her spine to the base of her neck. Goosebumps broke out along her body at his gentle touch, it was incredibly out of character for them. 

Even if she wished she could do these things, she wouldn't dare because she was afraid of disrupting their normal. Breaking the secrecy. 

"You're shivering. Are you cold? I can make you a potion if you're getting sick" he whispered in her ear, lips moving against her skin, fingertips grazing her bare shoulder blades, more bumps racing at the touch

She gasped, cold fire spreading through her limbs. Tears pricked her eyes at the sudden tidal wave of emotions. Instead of answering, she buried her face in his chest, tightening her grip around his shoulders. 

"Lettie?" he whispered even softer, her name a request 

"I'm fine Severus" she replied half heartedly, refusing to let go of his body, inhaling his cologne. 

His fingertips continued to trace lazy circles across her shoulder blades up and down her spine, the backless dress an open invitation for his touches. 

"You're rather quiet tonight" he noted a few minutes later, still gratuitously touching her shoulder blades 

Because if she tried to get out the words, the tears would come. Desire to protect him bubbled over, coloring her emotions. Years worth of secrets piling up when she just wanted to bring him into her mind. To show him everything so desperately. But it wasn't the right moment. 

"I..." she began to speak but her voice cracked, her lip wavering 

He tilted her head up to him, eyebrows furrowing at her stormy expression. He could read her so well even without the legilimency. This was something he shouldn't see, not right now. 

"What's wrong?" he probed, his knuckles gliding down her arm, gentle demeanor unsettling to her. 

These pendulum swings they rode were making her dizzy. She was used to brash, sharp, sarcastic Severus. The fact that he was being soft spoke volumes to her. Something was dreadfully wrong. Something had happened to him that night. He was vulnerable. 

"You're the only one who gets to call me Lettie" she reminded him, drinking in the details of him: brown eyes the color of pure cacao, nearly too big nose, red pouted lips, and a straight jawline that could cut glass. 

"I live for the prestige" he joked, concerned expression still laying on his face 

"I'm scared for you. I know your arm is hurting. There's something going on. With you and Harry. And Dumbledore. I know you won't tell me..." she explained, fingering the buttons on his vest, the silk slippery under her hands. 

"Your brain will get you in trouble" he informed her that she was right, subconsciously pulling her closer to him, body on body 

"As per usual. I don't want you to get hurt anymore" she whispered to keep her voice from cracking, knowing all the pain he lived with daily

"Pain and risk is necessary for survival" he told her bitterly. 

He was a pawn. She knew it. The atmosphere was the same as when she was a child. Increasing tensions, adults speaking in hushed tones, propaganda circulating, and mass speculation of the government. 

He pulled her into a tight hug, a loud sigh escaping. He was going to get hurt for a memory. Possibly killed. For a memory of someone who didn't even care for him. 

"Strange days are coming, and you need to be prepared. You need to be strong" he explained patiently, drying her cheeks with his handkerchief. 

"Strange days are already here" she quipped back, occluding her thoughts from him. 

She loved him. She knew it but it wasn't completely apparent until that moment. And she wanted him to know. She didn't want anyone else to have him. Including people who didn't deserve him or manipulated him into obedience. 

"You're right. About everything you've said tonight. Stay low, your family's reputation will protect you for now..." he advised her, warm hands on her shoulders 

"Let it protect you too" she told him, cheeks burning with aggressive fierceness 

Her family was old money, old power, ancient magic. He knew that. That could buy protection. He could escape. 

"Nobody can protect me now, not really" he whispered sadly, body slumping in resignation 

Running her hand down his arm, she rested it on the dark mark that she knew was there, hidden under the layers of clothing. Done in a moment of desperation for acceptance and respect. A lifetime of regret. 

"You're so much more than this. Don't forget that" she urged him, voice thick with concern 

"This is all I am. That much is clear" he said disdainfully 

She unbuttoned his sleeve, rolling it up to his elbow. The dark mark burned ashy black. Bringing his forearm to her face, she kissed directly beneath the tattoo, allowing her lips to linger. 

Black eyes beginning to burn, he brought his hand up to her face, cupping her cheek sensually dragging his thumb across her lower lip, warm and wet. Before she could police herself, she gasped out 

"Severus, please..." 

His eyes expressed a multitude of emotions in a split second before he squeezed her close against him, teetering on the edge of admittance. This is what that first night should have been like at seventeen...

His body pressed against hers, the energy escalating between them like never before. Touching their foreheads together, he ran his hands along her hips. Breathing raspy into her ear, her name a caress, the embers of desire quickly kindled under his touch. 

He hummed in satisfaction as her hands roamed his body, groaning loudly as he rested his face in the crook of her neck, lips rolling against her skin, breath hot and full of want, his mind beginning to war against itself. 

He pulled away resignedly, grimacing ashamedly at her 

"Forgive me. I shouldn't have done that" 

"There's nothing to forgive" she told him, skin still crying out for his touch, screaming with nerves and anticipation 

"I'm taking advantage of you...We should just pretend this didn't happen. You're my closest friend, which is already dangerous and more than I give to anyone else" he asserted, entirely misreading the situation, stepping out from between her legs, straightening her dress and necklace, fingertips lingering on her chest, building a wall between them again, distance in his words 

She nodded; he was right. But she didn't want him to be. Logically, they had to keep each other safe and giving into temptation was a fools choice. She wished she could be a fool. Just this once. 

"I won't break Severus. I'll be strong" she assured him, plucking back up her courage 

"My Lettie..." he whispered, one last vision of his vulnerability and kind hearted soul before he hardened himself again, steeled against the world. 

"In any way I can be" she whispered back, pulling him close for one last hug before they fell back into the charade of life at Hogwarts.

——————

The Tasks continued to get more difficult and anxiety inducing. While most of the community found the games to be a good form of entertainment, she thought it to be cruel. Placing children in life or death situations for sport, even if they did sign up for it, spoke of misplaced honor. 

Together with Severus, they watched nervously as Harry and Cedric were the last ones to emerge from the maze. 

"I don't like this" Severus muttered, arms crossed over his chest, flexing his left hand fingers 

"Is it getting worse" she asked plainly, scanning the ground below

"Yes. It's burning more and more. Something is wrong" he spoke into her ear, shifting uncomfortably in his seat 

Suddenly Harry appeared with a limp looking Cedric. Perhaps he had gotten hurt? Careening her neck, she watched as the officials pulled Harry off of the other boy...

"Oh no, please no" she covered her mouth in shock, the cold wash of fear and dread settling on her skin 

Cedric was dead. 

"I need to go. Do not leave the castle" Severus told her firmly, already standing and heading down to the arena.

So many things she wanted to say. What if she never saw him again? What if he didn't come back? What would the last words she would want him to hear be? Everything would be insufficient. 

"Please come back soon" she rallied all her strength and said this as if she wasn't terrified. 

But he was already down the stairs.

The next day she forced herself to pack. Charity stopped by and filled her in on a few blurry details. The situation was being kept under tight lock and key for now and she didn't blame them. A boy was dead. And they had no idea what happened. There was speculation that Harry killed him but the way he had reacted that night...It didn't seem plausible. 

The night began to fall, an uneasy silence filling the castle. She needed to head home, mostly everyone else had left. But Severus told her to stay. Beginning to vacillate between her choices, a knock on her door disturbed her thoughts. 

"Miss Thorne?" spoke up the elderly wizard, eyes tired, cautiously letting himself in 

"Yes sir?" she asked sharply, forcing herself to breathe deeply. 

"Come with me please" he told her gently, offering his arm 

"Should I ask where?" she questioned sardonically 

"One can ask anything, but it doesn't mean there will be an answer " came the response, annoyingly calm 

Together they walked through the castle, his countenance beginning to throw her off. He pushed open the doors to the infirmary and all the way to the back where an adjoining private room appeared. She held back a gasp and bit the inside of her cheek. 

Severus lay stock still, face bruised and cut, hair spread across the pillow. 

"Is he dead?" she asked in what she hoped was a neutral voice 

"Almost. But he will make a full recovery" Dumbledore told her in the same aloof manner 

"What happened?" she walked towards him, bile rising up in her throat 

"Random mugging in Diagon Alley" Dumbledore answered easily. 

Too easily. Liar. 

"Really. Interesting. Perhaps a dark wizard lorded his power over Severus" she intoned sharply, standing over the still body of her best friend 

Dumbledore smirked, rubbing his forehead in awkward defeat 

"Ah. I see. Yes. Perhaps you are right" 

"He can't know that I was here" she answered gruffly, the tears beginning to sting her eyes 

"And why is that?" Dumbledore asked genuinely, face lighting up in concern 

"We all make choices, don't we?" she told him bitterly, raising her eyebrow, reminding him of their first conversation when he hired her. 

Small and seemingly inconsequential choices. Choices made in secret. Choices made to save and heal. Choices that hurt to carry. Every second was a choice. 

"That we do Miss Thorne. Take your time and be careful this summer. I will see you in September" Dumbledore patted her shoulder before gliding out of the infirmary. 

Severus would wake and no one would be here. He would believe he had no one to care for him. That no one knew of his sacrifice, further strengthening his belief that he was worthless. But, if he knew she was here, he would feel the need to protect her too. She didn't need protecting. He did. And she needed to figure out a way to do that. 

Kissing his forehead softly, she quickly disappeared back to her quarters and left the castle.


	10. Year Five

January 

Leticia walked the familiar corridor to Severus' office when a disheveled Harry burst out of the door, grasping his forehead. 

"Sorry" he muttered, barely glancing at her as he scurried up the hallway 

She carefully made her way into the office, sealing off the door before proceeding. Severus stood clenching the desk, head bowed low. 

"Lessons not go well?" she whispered softly, the hem of her black dress traipsing along the floor. 

"He's not trying. He's going to get hurt. He's a sentimental child..." Severus growled angrily, kicking at the desk leg. 

She didn't know what to say. He shouldn't have to do this. He was already protecting the boy with his life, letting him into his mind was an ethical overreach. What would happen when Voldemort fully penetrated Harry's mind? Who would suffer then? 

She noticed a criss cross welt on Severus' wrist, a stinging hex. She sauntered over, taking his wrist in her hand gently, his eyes wild and uncomfortable. 

"Ferula" she whispered with her wand at his wrist, bandages wrapping around the nasty purple welt 

"Why are you here?" he asked tiredly, leaning against the edge of his desk. 

Honestly. She missed him. No one wanted to be outside of their quarters more than they had to. He hadn't been to visit her for a night cap all year, Harry's lessons taking place of their time together. And even before that, they were lucky to talk on the weekends. She made herself believe he wasn't ignoring her although that was most certainly the case. 

He was shielding himself from everyone and everything that wasn't pertinent to his mission. Not that she knew about it. 

Umbridge was also crowding her around the children, changing her curriculum under penalty of unemployment. Questioning her motives and education at every turn. Her family's reputation meant nothing now to the ministry since she taught at Hogwarts. She had broken ranks. Her mother continued to urge her to move home to be safe from harm, sending an owl every other day. Eventually, she might send an armed guard to retrieve her. 

She just wanted to make sure Severus was okay. 

"To warn you. Umbridge is on the warpath. I heard her telling her assistant she was coming to see you first thing in the morning" she rolled her eyes at the image of the little pink toad. 

People like her used power harmfully because they weren't good enough on their own.

"Then why would you leave your quarters? You're putting yourself in danger when I already very well knew how she is doing. I make her bloody potions, and follow all her orders don't I?" he seethed, shoulders tight. 

She wasn't deterred by his anger or afraid. Anger covered up sadness and pain. He was hurting and she wouldn't let it weigh on him alone. He was hiding something away. Something happened with Harry.

"Don't look away from me. Let me help. Please..." she whispered, the lace on her arms forming a hazy pattern in the gloomy lighting 

"You can't help me! Go away Lettie" he demanded, turning to stalk into his chambers but she slammed the door shut before he could 

"No. You need my help!" she told him defiantly, chin up and shoulders back, barely clearing his chest but ready to fight 

"I have no time for this nonsense. You can't help me" he growled, hair hanging in his face

"You have no time for me? You don't need to do this all on your own" she tried to persuade him, cheeks stinging with embarrassment, which only served to make him angrier 

"Yes I do! I am being pulled in all directions. What do you know of such sacrifice?" he tore into her, the pain from the past seeping into the present. 

Losing self control, indignant at the insinuation that she knew nothing of sacrifice she stepped up to his chest and seethed 

"You made a promise to a ghost Severus! A ghost who didn't even care about you when she was alive! You offered your life to Dumbledore out of guilt!" 

He stepped back as if he had been struck across the face. Shock paled him. It took a second for her to process what she just said. This conversation was going downhill fast. She admitted that she knew. 

"How do you know that" he whispered through clenched teeth 

"It was incredibly obvious to everyone except you! " Leticia yelled, on the verge of tears, flush creeping up her pale chest.

"Not about Lily. Not about school. About the promise" he replied slowly measured

"I misspoke" 

"No you didn't. You're lying to me" he accused her, beads of sweat appearing on his forehead

"So? You lie to me all the time. You always have" she shot back. 

"Tell me right now. I am in no mood for this" he crossed his arms and bit his lip

"We all have secrets. We all do what we have to, don't we? That's what you always tell me" she argued back, sadness replaced by a white hot anger 

"When did you find out?" he looked down his nose at her, eyes steel 

"It doesn't matter. Nothing does. Since you're committed to this suicide mission" she stared back up at him, shoulders bent back in stubbornness 

"Stop occluding your thoughts" he demanded, reaching for his wand 

"Stop trying to see my thoughts. Why don't you just ask?" she taunted him 

"Is that a dare?" he asked with a chilled sneer

"It's only a dare if you're afraid of what you'll see" she stated boldly 

"I know what I'll see. A life lived with no one except myself to blame. A life alone. Living in the shadows. You hated Lily. You never wanted us to be friends either" he spoke calculatingly, knowing the impact his words would have 

Her fists clenched. Of course she didn't like Lily. Didn't like the Marauders who made her friends life hell. Privileged rich kids who enjoyed social chaos. He was completely misguided. 

It was time to stop all the pretense. 

"She wasn't what you thought! You deified her while you paid no attention to anyone else around you who actually gave a damn for you!" 

Why were these feelings coming up now? Stop! She commanded herself, but it was too late. 

"Who actually gave a damn?" he asked petulantly, the nerve to stare in her eyes as he said it 

Her mind went absolutely blank as she screamed 

"Me! I did, Severus! It was always me! Except you didn't notice because you were too busy crying after a woman who thought of you less than last night's supper! Weeping over a dead woman who hated you" 

"Stop it" he commanded, glowering down at her, fists clenched and jaw tight 

"Why? Because you know it's true? She let her real friends torture you! She made fun of you all the time behind your back! And you think you owe her anything?! She didn't love you! And now you're preparing to die for her!" she screamed, anger at all the past injustices flowing out, fear for his safety, upset at his lack of self worth, and honestly a little jealous at his loyalty to Lily while she herself risked her neck for him then. 

Even now. She had continually been there for him. And she didn't ask anything for it. Except respect. 

He stepped back, face aghast. She may have gone too far but she didn't care. The world was crumbling and he was allowing himself to get sucked under the rubble. He needed to survive. 

"Get out. Leave me alone" he muttered, turning away from her 

Fuming, rage boiling in her belly, she turned sharply and slammed the door shut with all her might. He could stew in his memories forever. Living in the past and refusing to see the future. How could she protect him if all he did was make haphazard and reckless decisions with his life because of his guilt? 

Huffing her way back to her quarters, she would have taken on any wizard at that point, including the damn dark lord himself. Slamming her door shut, she paced the room trying to calm down. Get control of her emotions. 

It wasn't safe to let herself go like that in front of Severus. He had way more important things to worry about. Her feelings weren't to be at the forefront. But he had to know that his life was worth more than a memory. That he was cared for. That life was worthwhile now. 

Moving out onto her balcony, the crisp early evening air flowed through her lungs and calmed her body. Her curls rustled around her face, and she held her arms out, imagining she was flying on a broom through a valley. Freedom. A time when the world didn't seem so claustrophobic and all encompassing. A world so wide and full of wonder she could get lost. 

Hours passed. The night turning from dusky purple to navy blue with diamond stars. The hairs on her neck began to stand on end as she felt someone staring at her from behind. 

Only Severus knew her password. Without acknowledging him, she whipped around with her wand out. He hit the door lightly, it wasn't a strong spell. Just enough to get the point. She threw another one, which he deflected. 

"Lettie, please" he demanded annoyed, his voice immediately disappearing when she gave him a wandless silencing charm. 

"Coming back to insult me some more? This doesn't surprise me. You only want me on your schedule when I come in handy for you" she growled in full offensive status 

He unlocked his own voice as they met in the middle of her room. He effortlessly deflected all of the other charms and hexes she sent his way with her wand, the anger surging all the way from her brain to her fingertips. 

"Fight back!" she growled, sparks shooting out of her wand. 

He shook his head, deflecting again. 

She put down her wand and shoved him as hard as she could. He was unable to hide the surprise on his face. 

"Hey...stop" he pressed, stumbling a bit, reaching for her to balance himself 

He reached for her still. 

All of the feelings she had been stifling flooded up and she shoved him again, pushing him against the wall, his back landing with a thud. Her mind was irrational with years of pent up hidden emotion. Buried so deeply that she didn't know the depth. Once the anger ran through, she would just be upset and she didn't want him to see that. 

"Or what?" she taunted him, hands on his shoulders with the full force of her body against him, holding him to the wall 

"Let's talk...I know we haven't had any time together lately..." he answered softly, all the vitriol from earlier gone from his voice 

"No! This isn't about that. You don't get to talk to me! I don't want to talk anymore. You think this is just about this year?" she popped off, realizing she was standing closer to him than she would normally allow. 

Her chest right to his, feeling it move up and down with his harried breaths, hands against his shoulders, her legs against his strong thighs, his cologne faint in her nose. She shoved him one last time for good measure and whirled around to walk away before she made a bad decision.

His strong fingertips gripped her wrist, the other on her waist, yanking her backwards into him, turning her to face him. Her eyes flashed with rage as he looked down, onyx black reflected in mossy green. Vetiver and cedar. 

"Please show me" he whispered, all the anger gone. Replaced by a dull and achey resignation. 

Wanting to make him feel ashamed, and realizing this may be her only chance to tell him everything, she let down her occlusion shields, allowing the memories to flow to the surface. Unhindered. 

How she protected him from the Marauders, the night at the mansion where she sobbed in grief, their years together before Harry, the night she looked in the Pensieve, their laughter, times spent together, that night after the Yule Ball...She hoped it meant something. 

"You looked in the Pensieve" he stated after he closed their connection

She nodded, not meeting his eyes. 

"You've always known, and yet, you've stayed" he whispered confusedly 

Again, she nodded. Cold sweat running down her back. 

"Talk. To. Me" he spoke slowly, stepping closer, voice slow and deliberate 

The worry lines between his eyes were etching deeper every day. He didn't need her and she desperately needed to prove that she didn't need him either. Even if it was a lie. 

Summoning all her strength, she pushed him away with a wounded growl but he was ready this time. He used the force to spin her back was against the wall, his strong arms held her against him, using the wall for leverage. 

She wrapped her legs around him, locking his pelvis against her thighs, dress hitched up to her stomach. 

"We haven't talked for months. You've ignored me... But now you decide you want to chat? After you just made me leave? After you just insulted me? Insulted our years of friendship?!" she spat, focusing on his lips, grapefruit pink and pursed thin

"You're right...What should we do about that..." he said carefully, his thumb subconsciously rubbing the lace on her sleeve while the other gripped her bare thigh, moving higher and higher, vulnerability slowly encasing his face as his fingers glided across her skin.

He couldn't pretend that he didn't find her attractive, that he didn't want to touch her. She felt him. Knew what he wanted to do. Knew what she wanted to do. They were so very close. It was killing her. It couldn't mean anything. 

"Tell me you don't care about me..." she whispered, eyes filling up with hot tears, voice quivering and throat burning, chest aching to be kissed by his lips 

"Lettie, don't..." he whispered back, expression torn, easing her to the ground, pressing his palms together, eyes trailing down her cleavage to the floor 

"Tell me you don't care. You told me to be strong, well you be strong. Say it Severus" she demanded, blazing hot tears cascading down her cheek, forcefully kissing under his ear, lips against his skin, tongue tasting him like she had wanted to do for years. It was even better than she imagined. His pulse quickened under her lips, leaning into her touch. 

"I need you...I want you...You had to have known..." her voice purred in his ear, her last ditch effort at expressing her desire and trying to get him to admit his own. 

Sweat and herbs. Making her way down his neck, his breath hitched in his chest, hands uncertainly making their way to her hips. She felt her body pulled into his lean frame. Tentatively, he kissed her cheek, jawbone, and the sensitive spot at the base of her neck. 

He held her hips so tightly she would have a bruise. He was terrified but so aroused. 

"Tell me that you don't care about me and I'll stop" she pressed one more time, biting down on his neck, eliciting a primal moan from deep within him. 

He crashed his lips against her collar bone, licking hungrily between her breasts, sucking as he made his way up her neck, snarling in anger and lust; body pressed against the wall so tight she could barely breathe. A few tears leaked out her eye. 

"I remember that night. You were wearing a green dress. You had an emerald hair comb. I wondered if you dressed in green for me. Your tongue tasted like whiskey and caramel. You deserved so much more than what I gave you..." he muttered into her ear, positioning himself against her thigh, flexing into her muscles 

Her mind skipped back to that night, the awkwardness and fear was pervasive. Not like tonight. This moment was fueled by pure desire. He could try to hide it all he wanted but she knew. 

"I'll do anything for you...Then and now" she moaned as he slipped his hand up under her dress, squeezing her bottom cheek tightly 

Nipping at his ear, he cursed and then the only sound was their rough breathing. Rocking his body against hers, he bit her neck, the pain and pleasure weaving their way down into the base of her spine. She needed to feel his bare skin on hers. 

She gasped as his hands explored her breasts, teasing her nipple through the cloth. Reaching around her back, he felt for the buttons, the first two unsnapped, then the last as her dress fell to the floor. Looking up at him through her lashes, she stood ready and willing. 

He didn't make a move, he simply stared at her, until finally he dropped to his knees and laid his head against her belly, kissing the soft skin of her thighs, allowing his lips to linger on her panties, trailing his tongue above her panty line, pressing his nose into her belly button, drawing in even and tempered breaths. 

"Lettie....We can't..." he told her regretfully, softly but surely pushing her away from him, refusing to look in her eyes as he stood up 

"I already know your secret. Enough to get you killed. And I would die before I would allow that to happen. So, why not?" she asked pathetically, hating that she was groveling 

"Because I can't love you" he stood to his feet, straightening his back and shirt, eyes blank. 

She couldn't hold it in anymore, the frustration and sadness. The complete and total rejection. The humiliation of standing naked in front of her best friend and being turned down. Allowing her vulnerability to show, knowing that he couldn't reciprocate. 

Jealousy at a ghost for having more of his loyalty than she could claim. So much anger and jealousy that had been hiding. A violent sob escaped, the tears flowing as her face crumpled and skin grew hot. 

Embarrassment burned her skin. She stood there, half naked, weeping and pathetic. His hands mocked her, still gripping her wrists, eyes downcast to the floor. 

"Please don't cry. I always make you cry" he begged, voice wretched 

"Tell me you don't care about me then" she repeated again, forcing him to stay there as she cried 

"I don't care about you the way you want me to" he admitted, ashamedly looking at the floor 

"Look at me...please Severus..." she whispered, heavy breathing sounding profane in her ears 

"I can't or I will do something I regret" he admitted, voice aching with regret but she didn't care 

He said one thing but his behavior spoke of another. A double life. Something snapped. Her patience had run its course. 

"Then just leave me alone. Don't ever talk to me again because I can't watch you kill yourself anymore" she told him between ragged breaths, stalking past him to her bedroom 

"Don't run away from me! Leticia! Lettie!" he called after her, upset and defeated, striding across the room, wrapping his arms around her waist desperately 

"Please don't..." he whispered urgently, losing control and kissing the back of her neck again, wet tongue sliding across her skin, biting her shoulder blade, kissing the top of her shoulders frantically 

"I've never been enough for you. What's going to change that?" she rasped out, torn between years worth of repressed desire and her anger, the two of them forming a monster ball of destruction. 

She unbuttoned his shirt, watching as his body fought with his mind; his body winning. Kissing his scarred chest, then his thin stomach, she committed the taste of his skin to memory. Bending down to her knees, she gripped his thighs, running her mouth and tongue over his clothed erection, straining mightily against his slacks. 

"You are enough...But you've always known...Known what I can't give you..." he hissed, gripped her hair in his fist, bringing her face up to his, feet flat on the ground, eyes burning. 

"You've always ran from me. And you always will" she threw back at him, fresh wave of tears falling from sore eyes 

Pushing him away, she stalked the few feet to her room, locking the door, holding herself in a ball in the corner. Knees to her chest had always comforted her more than laying flat on the bed. She promised years ago that she would watch out for him. Take care of him. But at what expense to herself? Would he even care if she deprived herself of love? Or would he forever only focus on the lost aspects of his life? Was she being selfish? 

Perhaps she should face the facts that he would never care for her in the way he thought he cared about Lily. That he couldn't love her. But could they still be friends? She didn't think so. 

"Lettie? Leticia May...Please open the door...I am so sorry Lettie. I'm so sorry. Talk to me...Just talk to me...I didn't know how you felt Lettie..." he begged from the other side of the door

"Exactly. You didn't know. Because you chose not to see. Go away. You'll be safer that way" she yelled back, covering up with her blanket, unwilling to move from her spot on the floor 

He was easily able to unlock the door, but chose instead to wait and listen for two hours as she sobbed before his footsteps echoed across the floor and he left. Punishment. She didn't care if he hated himself. 

————-  
March

"I told you that I will not interrogate children!" Lettie raised her voice at the smirking witch opposite of her in the corridor outside of her classroom

"Your job is done for the day, is it not? The little ones are back with their parents? And you are doing what, pray tell?" Umbridge questioned her squeakily 

"I am fixing next weeks assignments to your liking, as requested. I do not have time to give into your needs" she told her flatly, barely trying to disguise her contempt 

"I need all of the staff support that I can get. The students are out of control. Especially Potter and his crew"

"That's the thing. I don't support you. I think you are barbaric" Lettie told her calmly, unwilling to give in to the demands of a pint sized sadistic tyrant 

"Are you dissenting against a ministry official Miss Thorne?" Umbridge questioned her haughtily 

"Yes. And I will gladly tell them how I feel" Lettie crossed her arms

"Do you believe you are better than I am? That your opinion is so much better than mine?" Umbridge asked shrilly 

"You asked if I was dissenting. I am. I offered to tell it to the ministry. That's it. I won't interrogate children. As I've said" she repeated 

"You are on thin ice. Don't expect to get out of following the rules forever" Umbridge hissed, huffing away into her office 

Turning the corner, she ran into Harry who was nursing his hand. 

"Thanks for standing up to her" he told her gratefully 

Looking down at his hand she saw blood. 

"Give me your hand please" she told the boy softly, holding out her fingers to him 

I must not tell lies. 

"Are you alright Harry?" she asked him, healing the open wound but the scar would remain. 

"I'll be fine. You're Professor Snape's friend, right? I've seen you two talking at quidditch" he asked cautiously 

"Yes, we've known each other a long time. We were in the same year at school" she answered guardedly, wondering where he was going 

"Did you know my parents?" he asked curiously, and in that moment he seemed much younger than his fifteen years 

"Are you hungry Potter?" she asked kindly, motioning for him to follow her. 

Together they sat at her desk, a plate of biscuits and pumpkin juice between them. 

"Why did you ask about your parents?" she asked him after a few moments of silence 

"I...During my occlumency lessons with Snape, I accidentally saw a memory of his...My dad was hanging him upside down..." Harry looked nervous, as if she may hurt him for knowing 

"How did you 'accidentally' see this memory?" she probed gently, knowing that Severus would never let Harry into his mind 

"Well...He was called away and I kind of looked into the Pensieve" Harry admitted shyly 

The Pensieve held an allure, that much was for certain. 

"What do you think?" she asked neutrally, remembering that day clearly from years ago and fighting the rising anger 

"It seemed wrong...Can you tell me...Was my dad a bully?" Harry asked finally, half eaten jammy dodger in his bony fingers 

She thought carefully about what to say. She didn't want to shatter his hopes but he was asking for truth, for some grain of knowledge of the man he resembled so keenly 

"Sometimes, the visions we hold in our heads of people are better left undisturbed" she offered, willing to give in if he pushed 

"I need to know. Please. Everyone knows more about my own life than I do..." he told her with the deepest sadness. It couldn't be faked. 

"Your father was well liked, attractive, funny, and came from a good family. He knew that and certainly used it to his advantage. Sirius as well. They did bully Professor Snape but it is not my place to discuss that; nor were you entitled to see that. Power comes from how you treat the weakest people. Your position in society means nothing if you have built yourself up on the shattered parts of those you deem unworthy" she answered somewhat cryptically 

"You weren't friends with my dad or mom then?" he asked, shoulders slumped

"Not really Harry. I didn't have many friends. I was a bit of an odd duck, if you will. Your dad loved you, I'm sure. Your mother too. And I'm sorry they are gone for your sake. But your father also loved power, social currency, and he knew how to get it. That's all I feel I can say..." she told him cautiously, trying to hedge in her anger and dislike of James Potter for his sons sake. 

"Thank you for talking to me" he told her gratefully as he stood to walk away 

"For the record, I don't think we have to turn out like our parents. My family is as pureblood as they come and I refuse to buy in" she told him, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder 

He nodded, a small sad smile on his face. 

———————

May 

She awoke to find the school in shambles. Students running ragged, teachers harried and tense. Umbridge no where to be seen. She grabbed a copy of the Daily Prophet off the great hall table, the headline screaming 

"The Dark Lord Returns" with a picture of a shell shocked Fudge and the trio of children with Dumbledore. 

Oh no. 

This was the beginning of the end. Severus didn't speak with her all year because he knew what was coming. That the Death Eaters were growing stronger and ready to start wreaking havoc again. That he would need to continue his role as a spy. Not that he knew she knew. Everything was so twisted and blurry, she needed a moment to clear it up. 

Pride tugged at her to leave Severus alone. He had chosen his path. But something deeper told her that he wasn't in control of his own life. He was a puppet on strings by two masters. And even if he wanted to be with her, he couldn't. Regret washed over her for making him feel unnecessarily guilty, placing undue burden on him. 

An owl dropped a letter in her hands. She opened it to find a short scrawl from Minerva

"The professors have taken their children home. You may return home for the summer. See you in September" 

Turning around, she made her way back to her room, easily charming everything into her trunks within minutes. She wasn't about to let the fear of the unknown shake her. To ignore her passion. Sighing deeply, she send her stuff to her family's estate. 

It was going to be a long summer. 

———————

She spent June, July, and August traveling around Southern Europe with her mother and brother, offering Charms, Wand Etiquette, and Defensive spell lessons at the wizarding libraries. Her family spent most of the year profiting off the elite families, and the summer they spent teaching for free in an effort to wash some of the filthy off of their rich. 

This was the last night she was spending with her family in London before they each headed back to their respective homes. 

"Where is your wizard friend? You haven't talked about him much" her mother asked genially, plaiting her long silver and black hair 

Because there was nothing to tell. They hadn't spoken since January. 

"We kind of drifted apart this year. He was really busy with the new headmaster" she told a half truth to keep his cover story safe, not that her mother would tell anyone, but the less she knew the better 

"You seem sad about it...Maybe you should tell him you miss him" she offered kindly, giving her a knowing smile 

"I'll keep that in mind mum. Thanks" she told her halfheartedly. 

Nothing was ever that simple. 

"He asked about you" the older woman dropped the bomb softly, fully aware of the impact her words had 

Her heart stopped. Forcing her voice to remain calm she replied 

"When did you see him?" 

"Yesterday when I went to Diagon Alley for a few new books. He was in Flourish and Botts as well, looking over some new spell books. I suppose he is slightly attractive in a dark type of way" her mother went on agonizingly slowly, watching for her reaction. 

"What did he say?" she asked nonchalantly, continuing to crochet her cardigan for the fall 

"He recognized me from one of your photos. Apparently you have one of us in your room. He asked how you were doing and if you would be returning to school in the fall what with all the recent news. I told him you were doing just fine, a little down in the mouth because you hadn't heard from him but you were still planning on coming back" she prattled on, tying the ends of her braid. 

"You said what?!" Lettie shrieked, embarrassment flooding her face. 

"It's nothing to be ashamed of dear. He's your friend and you miss him. He seemed to miss you too" she shrugged, oblivious to the predicament that she just placed her daughter in 

"How could you tell?" she asked, desperately trying not to sound curious 

"Because he didn't say how is Leticia doing? Or Governess Thorne. He said 'how is my Lettie doing'. Then he caught himself and got all pink in the face. You've never let anyone call you that, not even me or your father" her mother answered gently, a small smile rising the corners of her mouth 

"Oh god..." Lettie muttered, knowing that she would soon have to go back to school and pretend she didn't care when she really did or hide from Severus. 

"He said to tell you hello before he scurried away" Victoria smiled, knowing that she had her daughters attention. 

Lettie shrugged it off, heart beating quicker as she looked forward to going back to school.


	11. Year Six

"You need to be careful Letitia. Dumbledore is coming under fire for his policies lately. The pressure is mounting to infiltrate Hogwarts" her brother, Samuel told her over a pint and dinner that night 

She was headed back to Hogwarts in a few days and managed to schedule a dinner with her ever elusive sibling; between teaching, taking care of his family, traveling to promote their lessons, and seeking new teachers to train, she never got to see him. 

Growing up, they got along spectacularly well; playing teacher and student, adventuring in the woods, talking trash about the rich kids that traipsed through their lives. Samuel chose to go Durmstrang, enjoying their rigidity and structure more than Hogwarts relaxed atmosphere. Samuel straddled the line between being friends with those involved in the dark arts and still staying neutral during times of stress. It was a feat that had become bred in the Thorne family after generations. Their wealth and willingness to offer aid to all, despite their associations, had protected them well. 

She could only hope it would continue to do so. 

"Who is saying what?" she questioned further, sipping her ale

"Conrad. He says they've got people on the inside at the school and that the plan is going to come together this year" he warned nervously, whispering across the table 

Of course they had someone on the inside. 

Severus. 

"Do you believe him?" she deflected, acting as if she knew nothing 

"I do. He said they had a loyal death eater and a new recruit" Samuel continued to whisper, glancing around the expensive wooded room with crimson drapes and starched white table cloths. 

"What are they planning?" she took a bite of her meal, nonplussed demeanor worthy of an award 

"To kill him. Dumbledore. There's a plan in place. And rumor has it that he is already sick. Very sick. The school is vulnerable" Samuel sat back in his chair, rubbing his cheeks 

Her heart sank. Kill Dumbledore. That would be chaos. Mass disarray. He was the greatest wizard alive, to kill him would be the feat of an evil genius. Half of her students had withdrawn for that fall but the staff still sent their children to her. She would need to have a plan in place to keep them safe. 

"And what do you suggest I do? Run away?" she asked with an upturned smirk 

Samuel laughed, shaking his head 

"No. We both know you are far too stubborn for that. I just want you to keep your wits about you and keep to yourself. You've done well so far. And know when it is time to come home" 

She nodded, taking a large swig of ale as a low rumble of voices entered from her left. They kept their eyes on their plates, not intending to stare at whoever entered the formal club.

"Hello there, aren't you the Thorne siblings?" spoke a well mannered greeting from an aristocratic woman's voice. 

Looking up, Letitia stared into the regally structured face of Narcissa Malfoy. She vaguely remembered her from her early years at school. 

"I'm Samuel Thorne, this is my sister Letitia" he introduced them, his baritone voice a rumbling river 

Narcissa held out her hand and they shook cordially 

"My son Draco enjoyed his lessons with your father. When he entered his first year at Hogwarts, he was more than a year ahead of the other students" 

Letitia and Samuel smiled kindly, taking the compliment. Narcissa smiled, in what seemed to be a genuine fashion before turning to go back to her party. Lucius stood waiting for her, several men who were familiar in looks, and towards the back, nearly invisible, Severus. 

Her heart stopped but then continued to beat sporadically, jumpy in its nervousness. Since their fight in January, she only caught glimpses of him at dinners or possibly in passing in the hallways. No letters. If she didn't want to see him, she didn't have to. His hair had lengthened. Tight cloak wrapped around him, high collar, and all of those buttons on his sleeves. Eyes significantly more tired. 

Floating her eyes back to the table, Samuel picked up on her change in behavior. 

"Is one of those guys a friend" Samuel asked with a sly grin 

Obviously her mother hadn't mentioned anything to him about Severus. Thankfully. Even a little information could get him or her in trouble. 

"No. But I would rather not have a whole group of death eaters know that I work at Hogwarts if they don't have to" she lied, technically. 

Samuel nodded, watching the group out of the corner of his eye as they continued to chat about his new baby, Reverie. 

A note appeared at their table in unfamiliar, scrawling script 

"Come join us" 

She narrowed her eyes, showing it to her brother, who shrugged. Looking across the room, Narcissa smiled kindly, motioning them over with her chin. 

"We hold no duty" he reminded her as they stood up and sat at the table. 

Mercifully, she was seated across the table from Severus. His face revealed nothing as they made themselves comfortable. Narcissa began to introduce everyone around the circle, thoroughly enjoying her job as hostess

"Letitia, I hope it is not too forward, but Jacob" - she pointed to a tall man with blonde hair and blue eyes beside her 

"Would like to know if you are seeing anyone right now?" 

She forced back an eye roll. Coward. He didn't seem embarrassed at all by this question which only proved that he was a follower. 

"I keep rather busy with work" she answered simply, nudging Samuel's foot as his cheeks turned red from holding back laughter 

"Of course. We need to take our chances when we can to find good women for our men" Narcissa answered with a smile 

Good women. Code for Pureblood women. And they were becoming few and far between. As with any isolated society, the inbreeding would eventually be the only means to survive. She shuddered to think of that day. 

"I used to think that Letitia and Severus might have ended up together. What with their past..." Lucius offered silkily, feigning innocence. 

God, she hated him. Narcissistic, arrogant, bullying asshole. Samuel kept a straight face, instead choosing to sip some wine. The people around the table moved in their seats uncomfortably, most unwilling to look Severus in the eye. He held so much power and Lucius was jealous. 

"What do you mean Lucius?" Letitia asked sweetly, not making eye contact with Severus

"I remember that Severus used to be very fond of you. He even asked you to perform his initiation task" Lucius oozed, unwilling to elaborate

Call his bluff. Coward. Her energy began surging as the adrenaline slowed her brain. Deep breath. 

"Why don't you fill everyone in on the details, since you brought it up and remember it so well" she said with a smile, knowing he wouldn't respond. 

"I wouldn't want to embarrass you" he threw back

Samuel shifted, watching carefully for any need to defend. Severus sat blank faced, seemingly uninterested in the conversation. 

"Are you suggesting that I should be embarrassed for knowing Severus?" she questioned innocently, counting on his high standing as a double agent to stop the inquisition 

All eyebrows raised and turned to Lucius, who turned bright pink and shook his head 

"Of course not. I must be mistaken. Forgive me Miss Thorne" 

"Certainly" she accepted with a kind smile, the tension at the table dissipated. 

"Conrad speaks very highly of you Samuel. Why don't you enlighten us on how your family will continue their lessons with the rising tensions?" Narcissa shifted the energy back to easy topics, her husband sulking in the corner. 

As Samuel begin to talk to the table about their latest policies and regulations, she sat back and feigned interest. Rubbing elbows with "the right people" never appealed to her. It was a lot of ego brushing and social rules. She could follow them perfectly, the subtext of this conversation clear. 

How are you going to keep the magic to only those who deserve it? To only those who can afford it. Her family didn't see it that way, but she did. Which is why she struck out on her own, and even if Hogwarts self destructed, she would continue on the path of acceptance and education for all. 

After an hour of small talk and playing nice, she tapped Samuel's foot. He thanked everyone for their time and excused them from the table. For the first time that night, she met Severus' eyes. Fully occluded and cold. She could do the same. 

Once outside and out of earshot, she kicked at some rocks angrily. 

"What happened in there? You have a double life I don't know about?" Samuel half heartedly joked 

"Severus is my colleague. We used to be friends during school. Lucius was poking at the bear, trying to get more information to pass along to his master for good favor. I refuse to play that game" she told him earnestly, fingertips drenched in cold sweat 

"Now I am really nervous. They were trying to rope you in. You wouldn't do well with that Letitia. Your morals don't align that way..." Samuel fretted, sounding just like their mother 

Always the baby of the family, everyone felt the need to protect her. She would be fine. 

"Miss Thorne, may I have a word?" Severus' voice called out from a few steps behind them 

Samuel stepped in front of her, bulky body rife with muscles standing straight and tall. Wand at the ready. 

"It's okay Sam. Can you give us a minute?" she told him softly, but not before he gave Severus a glare that would make the sun go dark 

"Yes?" she asked, purposefully aloof 

"Thank you for not exposing me in there" he told her quietly, a hint of surprise in his voice 

"Did you truly think I would? Lucius was trying to get information to make you look bad. He had it coming" she told him assuredly, arms crossed 

"You've put a target on your back. You embarrassed him" he warned her with a tinge of frustration to his voice

"I don't care. Besides, it's not your concern who is angry with me, is it?" she shrugged, completely unafraid of any Malfoy. 

"I wasn't certain...What with the way we left things" he answered vaguely, shifting on his feet

"I'm not vindictive. I'm a realistic woman. I finally took you at your word and not at what either of us may have wished things would be. I'm almost forty. Its time to stop living in hypotheticals. It's time to stop believing in fairy tales. Wouldn't you agree?" she informed him, knowing that it would hurt, but if it took hurting him to keep him safe, she would do it. 

Shock washed over his face, before a hard edge took over

"Are you giving up on your hopes and dreams in exchange for a more common life"

He was referencing their conversation from years ago, when she lamented not being married with children like Samuel. Severus comforted her with the promise her life wouldn't be so common. 

"I've given up on nothing except my own foolishness. Your party will miss you if you're gone too long" she warned him, feeling the wall begin to crumble within her 

"Will you be back to school?" he questioned curiously, glancing at Samuel, who was still glowering 

"Yes. But you've made it perfectly clear where our boundaries are. Colleagues. And make it believable. Which, we should have no problems with" she responded coolly, hating the way his eyes glittered in calculating confusion 

"Right. Good night Lettie...Miss Thorne" he corrected himself before turning away with a whisk of his cloak. 

"What was that about?" her brother asked, walking them away quickly 

"Just tying up loose ends..." she told him sadly, holding onto his arm as he apparated them back to her parents place. 

—————  
October

The year progressed with equal parts expectancy and dread. Hope at all there was to learn yet knowing that evil was lurking so very close. Waiting for it's chance to take over. She felt continually on guard, looking over her shoulders around corners, and hiding away in her room. 

Unfortunately, as the fall came to a head she came down with a terrible bout of flu and was headed to the infirmary to get a flask of potion from Madam Pomfrey. Rounding the last corner, she stumbled into Severus, standing stock still with his eyes to the ceiling.

"Oh. Sorry" she apologized, stopping to see if he was alright. 

They spoke cordially at dinners, and in passing. But gone were the days of their late night conversations and weekend strolls. It seemed as if it were a lifetime ago. The dull ache of loneliness as present as her heartbeat. 

"Are you alright?" he asked, laser focused on her rosy cheeks and runny nose

"I have the flu. I'm stopping in to see Poppy for a flask" she told him, looking up into his weary eyes 

"Let me brew you a fresh batch" he offered suddenly

"That's not a good idea" she said, determined to stick to the boundaries 

"Any one of us could die at any time. Miss Bell is evidence of that. Luckily, she lives to see another day. Come with me, Governess" he spoke bitterly, not waiting for her to walk with him 

Following him down the back stairwells to his personal room, a small cauldron in his kitchen. He motioned to his overstuffed armchair, floating a blanket over to her. 

"You don't have to do this" she assured him, balling up under the heavy green flannel 

"I have very few choices in my life right now. Please. I know what I'm asking of you..." he pleaded roughly, gripping the countertop 

She didn't answer, instead choosing to watch as he created a brew just for her, muscles moving by memory, the smell of ginger and elderberry swirling around her head. 

Sometime later, she awoke to Severus gently shaking her shoulder. He held the flask to her lips, and she drank it slowly, enjoying the warmth of the herbs. 

"Take the rest of these vials. Two a day for the next three days" he handed her a bag filled with the moss green brew 

"Will you walk me back to my room?" she asked groggily, subconsciously holding out her hand to him, just like she had so many time before. 

Before she could retract it, he had laced his fingers with hers, tucking her elbow underneath his, steadying her beside himself. 

"Please go to sleep for as long as you can" he whispered as they sauntered to the opposite side of the castle via wall tunnels

She smiled at his overprotectiveness. It was his way of showing that he cared. That he was worried. It was a step.   
——————

December 

"Do you like to fly?" her date asked, taking a bite of his dinner 

She did enjoy flying. Mostly through open valleys and over fields

"Yes. I do. How about you?" Letitia asked Charlie, a magical charms researcher that night at the Three Broomsticks 

"I prefer apparition but I could be persuaded to fly alongside a pretty witch" he complimented her, greedy sneer turning up his lips 

The compliment felt forced. Overt. Too much sweet in too little time. She half listened as Charlie yammered about his escapades in Europe when she noticed Severus stroll in, picking up a bottle of whiskey and an unmarked bag full of what she knew would be fudge desserts. He had a weakness for them. Sensing the weight of her stare, he glanced in her direction. 

Making eye contact his lips thinned, not quite a smile but rather bemused. She pointed her eyes at Charlie, raising her eyebrow. He straightened his shoulders, parting the crowd as he stalked up to her table. 

"Excuse me, sorry to interrupt your date. But, the Governess is needed back up at the castle. Rather chaotic situation with a child and a sticky finger charm" Severus informed them both, completely straight faced. 

"Oh. Alright. Well. Let's reschedule!" Charlie suggested

"Thank you for tonight. But, I don't think so" she told him apologetically, wanting to punch Severus as he smirked openly 

Charlie looked disappointed but wished her luck. He was fine. But boring. 

As the two of them huffed up the path to the castle, she thanked him for her sudden rescue. 

"Did I miss my calling in life?" he teased, popping a small candy into his mouth

"He was a dud" she lamented, stealing a candy 

"Seemed that way. You looked bored" he mentioned as they reached the castle walls 

"I was. Good night Severus" she still held to their boundaries, even if they had been friendlier in the past two months. 

Safety first. 

He held back but then pushed forward briskly, wishing her goodnight. Part of her wanted to reach out and turn him around, but she chose to stick to her rules. 

He needed her to be strong. She needed herself to be strong.

—————  
The Next Night

Crash!! 

The sound of her chair overturning woke her from unconsciousness, flying out of bed, wand out and hair wild about her face. Turning on the lights, she couldn't believe what she saw. Severus, on the floor, in his clothes still but very obviously drunk. She could smell the whiskey from halfway across the room. 

"Severus?" she asked cautiously, laying her wand on the table 

He sat up, eyes wide and hollow. Breathing shallow. How much had he to drink? 

"Don't make me go away" he whispered, leaning back against her couch, his foot still tangled in the chair legs. 

"What's wrong?" she asked, knowing he wouldn't remember any of this in the morning 

"I didn't have anywhere else to go. I'm not safe anywhere else...Please don't make me go" he begged, suddenly holding her hands, defensive shields down. 

He was in danger in this state. Voldemort would have a field day with him this way. The war would be over instantly. What happened that he had to drink to forget? Why had he shown up here? 

"I won't make you leave. Come on, get up" she told him, heaving him up off the ground, summoning a blanket and pillow. 

Her heart ached for him, knowing the pressure he was under but still holding herself at a distance. The harsh words bubbled to the surface but held no sting. She would let her heart break for him but for now she had to be strong. She moved to leave but he grabbed her hand 

"You're not leaving me, are you?" he rambled, half unconscious, collared shirt unbuttoned to the chest 

"I want to sleep in my bed. You'll be fine out here" she told him, determined not to savor his skin against hers

"Please..." he whispered the words, clutching her hand 

She chomped the inside of her cheek, warring over her choices. He was terrified but any memories could be used against him. We could wipe these memories, she rationalized quickly 

"Fine" she gave in, shoving him back down onto the couch 

"I am the keeper of all the souls, lone protector...but what about my soul" he murmured in a mixture of pride, exhaustion, and sadness. 

"Whose souls?" she asked curiously, tossing off his shoes 

"Draco and Potter. Two boys with the whole world at their feet, whole words willing to fight for them and yet...Here I am, me, with no one to vouch for me, the sacrifice. What sweet irony" he waxed on, eyelids becoming heavy

She didn't say a word. She didn't have to, he was asleep. Taking her wand, she charmed him with a dreamless sleep spell. He deserved at least that. 

Early the next morning before the sun arose, she lay awake, listening to his sleep sounds. 

As the sun began to stream through her windows, he woke with a start. 

"Lettie" he whispered creakily, voice subdued 

She lifted up her stiff neck, head slumped on the couch cushion, not prepared for the softness she saw in his eyes. It had been so long since she heard her nickname spoken with such reverence and care. 

"How are you feeling" she asked, resisting the urge to brush his hair back off his face 

"I'm sorry I bothered you...I don't remember coming here" he spoke with a wince 

"You're not a bother" she told him, her compassion and deep seated respect for him overpowering any other feelings 

"I hurt you " he whispered ashamedly, tenderly laying his palm against her cheek. 

She put her hand over his, carefully monitoring his expression. 

"We choose the hurt that we live with " she admitted, emotions in check. 

"I need you to trust me. That my silence has a purpose. Promise me" 

She nodded, heart straining under the pressure of duty 

"I promise"

—————

February 

Severus had asked her to come to the dungeons. A dinner here, a stroll about the lake there...Acts of good faith. And they hurt like hell. 

"You're the only one who treats me as if I'm better off alive than dead...You're the only one" Severus muttered to her, visibly upset that night after meeting with Dumbledore 

"What did he say Severus?" she asked, sitting beside him on the bench 

"I have to do something. I don't want to do it. But there is no other way. And I just want someone to recognize that...It could kill me" he told her honestly 

She tried to assure him vaguely 

"I know you don't want to do whatever it is you need to " 

"If only that were enough. Thank you..." he whispered, squeezing her hand quickly 

She wouldn't abandon him. Even if she swore to drop her childhood fantasies. The pendulum had swung way to the other side. She couldn't love him but she could protect him. And that meant keeping him safe from afar. 

He hadn't let go of her hand. He was squeezing it so tightly she was losing feeling in her fingertips. 

"What are you doing?" she muttered, a ball of anger and longing rolling in her gut 

"I miss you so much" he whispered guiltily, squeezing her knee, scooting in closer to her side, sliding his hand up into her inner thigh 

"Stop it" she growled, hating how much she wanted to give into him, her legs falling open, this emotional back and forth, this guilt, this dance. 

"Lettie...please. I can't trust anyone else..." he admitted, cupping her cheek, forcing her to look into his face, touching his nose to hers, breath hot and choppy 

"I am not your last choice!" she yelled, standing up with involuntary tears rolling 

"That's not what I meant!" he cried out, balling his fists, jumping up to face her

Grasping her shoulders tightly he pulled her into him, breathing quickened, his face tilted to the opposite side, staring longingly at her mouth, he leaned down, holding her chin and touching her bottom lip with his thumb 

"Why are you doing this to me?! It's not fair Severus! It's not fair to either of us, so just stop!" she shouted, stomping backwards, tears gone and teeth clenched so tightly her jaw ached 

He stepped away from her, letting out a wounded and feral scream. Kicking over a chair he ranted half in tears 

"You're damn right it's not fair! I should be the one getting to take you out to dinner! Getting to hold your hand, and buy you a whiskey at the pub! It's not fair that lesser men get more of your time and affection than me. Getting to kiss you and find out what you taste like! To wake up with you in my arms. I could make you feel so good Lettie, I know I could. I want that chance...My soul matters too, damn it! My dreams and hopes need to matter too! I should be able to have a life, a job that I don't hate, a reason for living that isn't regret! I should be able to have a fam..." 

He stopped himself short. Regret immediately washed over his sharp and pale features. She stared at the table, giving him a moment to collect himself. His mission for penance cut into goals that he wanted. His desires. And no one asked what he wanted for his own life. Just what they could get for theirs. She finally had her answer. 

"You do deserve those things" she whispered softly, unnerved and refreshed at the same time by his raw honesty 

"I can't allow myself to believe that. I'm sorry" he apologized, the wall building back up 

"Don't be sorry. No one can give you those things while you already serve another...You know this" she told him, purposely speaking ambiguously 

"I hate everything about my life" he admitted, sitting the chair back up 

"I know. But maybe that's the feeling you need to focus on right now...Hate is a powerful motivator" she philosophized, keeping her distance from him, knowing the second she touched his skin she would give into her very base impulses...

"Good night Lettie" he held the door open, refusing to meet her eyes. 

"Good night" she whispered, the cool of the corridor calming her instantly.   
————-  
July 

"Severus, oh my god, come here" she yelled, flying out her door as he slowly walked up the path in the darkening sky 

He collapsed into her arms, body literally heavy with grief. The tears soaked through her shirt. 

"I didn't want to. I didn't want to..." he gasped, clutching onto her for dear life

"I know...He asked you to do it Severus..." she whispered, her own heart aching with grief at what he carried. 

She believed him when years ago he told her that many dark things would conspire against him. Soul irreparably torn. The physical damage that he inflicted upon himself to save Dumbledore pain. To save Draco from becoming a murderer. Until he experienced the remorse. Perhaps he had. Perhaps that is what this was. The healing. 

"I'm dying...My soul shattered and now...Now I realize all I've done. I won't be able to finish what I started..." he sobbed, hand on his heart as if it weren't able to beat 

His soul was repairing itself. He wasn't wrong, not many survived. Who had lived to tell the tale? Broken and jagged pieces being put back together. 

"Come" she dragged him into her house, resealing all the doors and resetting the charms. 

"Do you realize what I did? I tore apart a family...I was so selfish..." he grieved, not needing her to affirm him. 

Just listen. Hold the space. 

"I don't deserve what I've been given. A second chance" he whispered hours later after it seemed that the first wave of pain had passed. 

"Yes you do. Don't ever for one second believe that. You've been letting love guide you. Letting love avenge wrongs. You have loved despite insurmountable odds. You've done everything in love, especially our friendship. You are worthy" she looked into his deep black eyes, holding his chin so he couldn't look away. 

"You understand now..." he whispered, leaning against her tiredly, searching for her hand 

"Yes I do. I'm sorry I made it worse for you. Tell me what you need..." she held him tightly, letting him know he wasn't alone. 

"Just stay with me" his answer was barely audible as he laid his head down in her lap, the fine corn silk strands hot against her hand. 

——————-

She lie wide awake for the second night in a row. He told her not to charm him asleep, to let the grief and repairing run its course. Her nerves were shot watching him in such excruciating pain. The pain of remorse. Of realizing how your poor choices affected others. 

She wouldn't be surprised if this killed him. It was nearing three am, and his body was twitching. Restlessly flitting about, wordless cries breaking the stillness of the night. 

She left to get a drink and came back to him performing a cleansing charm over his body, a look of abject horror on his face

"All of these years and look at what I've lost. I've lost all means of having friends. No family. Nothing to show. Or so I thought. I have had you. And you are my best friend. Companion. Confidante. We could have made a life together in the time that I've had. I've taken the worst advantage of you my little Lettie" 

She shook her head defiantly, grabbing his hand 

"No you haven't. You haven't done anything to me that I haven't allowed. That I haven't agreed to. Your plans were bigger than just us Severus. I understand that now. I was selfish." 

"Look at all we have withheld from each other" he muttered, dancing around the taboo issue. 

The unspoken feelings. The knowledge with no action. The double edged meaning in all of their words. The years worth of stolen touches and secretive glances. The burning. The relentless and constant burn of desire. The lies. She took a deep breath and as gently as possible told him 

"I've never withheld love from you Severus...Even when I made you leave, it was out of love" 

"Do you know when I realized what love was?" he admitted ashamedly, grasping her fingers between his tightly, thumb stroking her skin 

The fire that ran up her arm from his touch was enough to stun her from forming words. Shaking her head no, she waited for his answer. 

"When I held you, after the Yule Ball. You wanted to keep me safe, even at your own detriment. And you never asked for anything in return. Love is dangerous, kind, caring, nonsensical, humble, proud, and all manner of things in between. 

I had never seen anyone cry over keeping a secret. I realized then...What real love looked like" he explained, wiping away the few stray tears dripping down her cheeks at the memory 

"Real love..." she murmured, every sense in her body on fire

"I'm afraid we won't have much more time together...Things are about to get very bad" he divulged darkly, cautiously tracing his thumb across her lips 

She gasped, her mind going back to the first time that he did that: after the Yule Ball. After he held her while she sobbed, face dug into his chest. Before he pulled away. He wanted her then and he wanted her now. 

"It's already bad" she retorted, touching his surprisingly soft lip with her thumb 

"You deserved so much more than what I was able to give to you" he whispered guiltily 

"You gave me what you could" she assured him, the light of the moon shining onto his skin 

"It wasn't enough" he pressed, lying back on the bed, making room for her 

"Let's go to sleep. That's enough for now" she slid in beside him, smooth legs resting against his strong bare calves, sleeveless arms drinking in the feel of his hairless and muscled chest 

She fell asleep to his hands memorizing her skin.  
—————

The late morning sun streamed through the window, causing her to stir. 

He wrapped her tightly in his arms, not releasing her from their embrace. She pressed her bottom into his hips, nightdress lifted up shamelessly, the soft fabric of his briefs rubbing satisfyingly along her naked skin. He groaned, gripping her hips, automatically kissing her neck, tasting her shoulders with his tongue. 

He ran his hands up her ribcage, cautiously cupping her breasts in his large palm, her nipples instantly piercing the thin fabric. 

"Touch me..." she breathed out the demand, as he made his way down her stomach and thigh, fingering her already wet panties 

"Can I see you?" he asked, his voice a warm caress 

"All of me" she agreed, shivering in anticipation as he dissolved her clothes with a quick spell 

"Beautiful, tempting, intelligent witch..." he boasted, tossing off his shirt, kissing from her shoulder to her ribs then her breast, taking her nipple in his mouth, teasing it with long, slow strokes 

She called out his name, arching her back, pushing her body into him. He kissed up her chest, neck and then, in a move that she dreamed about since her adolescence, his lips rested against hers. Delicately. Asking for permission. Not daring to hope. 

All those years of daydreaming had led to this moment. Her stomach clenched and tumbled, hands shaking with adrenaline on his cheeks. His fingers began to cautiously twist into her hair, the lightly curled waves splayed across the pillow. 

"Don't stop..." she begged, legs wrapped around him like a lock, body nearly convulsing in pleasure as he sucked on her neck, teeth pleasantly biting down 

"Look at me" he told her, kissing her feverishly as he talked around her lips 

"This is what you deserved. A night with someone who desperately loved you. Who needed nothing but you. And now you're going to get it" 

"I'll die before I let anything happen to you" she finally admitted, his stubble burning her cheek as she kissed his neck and ear

Sending a removal charm to his bottoms, she touched him, his body responding instantly to her touch. 

Pushing closer to him, her lips refused to leave his; deeper and more passionate until she opened her mouth for his tongue to enter. He tasted of black tea and a slight reminder of fire whiskey. 

"No rush" he teased, pinning her wrists down as he became acquainted with her body, every inch of skin tasted and touched as the sun rose higher in the sky and they learned each other's bodies in the brightness of the midday light 

Nothing to hide anymore. 

When she could barely stand it any longer, body screaming for him, he asked breathlessly

"Are we ready?" 

She grinned, body relaxed yet anticipatory of his entrance as he easily slid into her, the full arc of his thrusts one perfect motion. Reaching down, he gently circled the small bundle of nerves at the top of her inner walls, circling with just enough pleasure and timed touches to bring her tumbling down, pulsating around him with a contented scream as he felt his orgasm rock his body. 

He tilted her chin up to him, softly kissing her swollen lips and cheek before proclaiming proudly 

"My beautiful Lettie..." 

Her heart effectively broke into pieces. How long had she waited to hear those words? Decades. It was dreadfully unfair that when she finally heard them, they had such confines to live under. Love deserved to be free. Instead of ruminating on this undesirable fact, she kissed him, making certain he was present with her 

"I love you Severus. You don't need to say it back. Just know that I do and I will do anything to keep that fact safe. " 

His face shifted, indiscernible expression before a wide grin burst forth, making him seem years younger and without the world weighing on his shoulders 

"I love you too Lettie. I love you desperately, achingly, adoringly..." he announced, voice heavy with emotion 

Safe for the moment, they lay together, knowing the time was quickly coming to a close.

I've taken you for granted, haven't I?" he lamented, stroking her face 

"You were doing what you thought was right" she evaded answering the way she really wanted to 

"So diplomatic. I'm sorry I ignored you Lettie. I thought I was keeping you safe, but I just lost time with you. I was wrong..." he apologized, brushing off the sweat from her forehead 

"Trust me to keep myself safe. You can't do this alone. It's eating you alive and then what good are you?" she kissed him, her lips sore but still wanting more

"I need you Lettie..." he whispered, vulnerable and open 

"I need you too. That's why you need to trust me too. Let yourself be human. It's the only thing that's going to save you in the face of such seemingly insurmountable evil" she whispered back 

"I trust you" he answered back, holding her tight.

The light shone bright for the first time in weeks.


	12. Year Seven

"Lettie" Severus whispered hoarsely as he met her in the dark back passageway between the headmasters office and his room 

"What happened?" she asked nervously, his face pale and eyes sunken 

"He killed Charity. She's dead. She called to me. She asked me to help her. And I didn't. I couldn't" he fell over into her arms, dry heaving 

Her mind went blank. Her friend was gone. Dead. And he had to see it. Had to let it happen. All their dinners together, talking and laughing. Charity's bubbly face wouldn't ever chat with her over lattes ever again. 

"I'm a terrible man..." he lamented, gripping her shoulders 

"You are not. You're a man placed in a terrible situation. I'm so sorry..." she tried to comfort him, knowing it wouldn't help 

"I couldn't save her..." he let out one half strangled sob before silently shaking against her shoulder 

She didn't have the words. Nothing would fix it. This war was tearing everyone's soul to shreds. Just like the Horcruxes Harry was hunting. Tiny bits of soul shattered everywhere. 

"She died thinking I betrayed her..." he mourned, voice beginning to turn bitter 

It was the truth. He couldn't take that back. A weight added to his neck. He needed the reminder that he wasn't a monster. That he was a good man, seeking the common good. She kissed his forehead, trying to offer some solace. 

Severus turned her face back to his, crashing his lips against hers passionately. She groaned as he pressed her to the wall in a heap of limbs. He centered her hips in between his legs, kissing and biting her neck, holding down her wrists, fingernails biting into her skin as she wrapped her legs around his. 

His hair tickled her cheek as his teeth grazed her skin, tongue pressing into the crevices of her collar bone, biting down on the soft flesh between her shoulder and neck. Growling at him, she recaptured his mouth as they found a rhythm, tongues sliding in and out. 

When they made love it was normally gentle and kind but this was raw and reckless. A sign of the times. 

He reached up to hold her cheek in his palm, staring into her eyes for her approval. She smiled and nodded, roughly grabbing the nape of his neck, her tongue warred to claim his. His hands brushed over her breasts, his hips bouncing against hers. She yelled out in a mixture of pleasure and frustration. 

"You want me to take you up against the wall like some common back alley tryst" he murmured throatily, surprising her with his strength

"Take me here while you can. Nothing common about it" she promised, taking his tongue back 

He began kissing her neck, taking off her dress in one quick flick, tongue tracing her chest. Arching her back, he flicked off her bra, taking her nipple in his mouth, swirling it with his tongue, enjoying her screams and the fingernails digging into his back.

All those damn buttons. She made quick work of them, leaning up to kiss his chest and stomach as his skin became exposed, his fingers gripping the base of her hair tightly. His belt buckle came next, erection straining at his trousers. Following his example, she whisked off his trousers and underpants, long and thick penis smooth against her palm. 

He threw his head back, rolling her nipples between his fingertips as she swirled her tongue around the lip of his tip, pushing herself down as far as she could. 

"Lettie!" he whispered out her name as he moved her head up and down 

She stopped her ministrations, standing up, gripping the damp wall stones, teasing him with her entrance while kissing him roughly. Nipping his lip, he growled, biting her shoulder hard. She gasped at the pain that also sent pleasure down into her belly. 

Gripping her hips firmly, he slid into her, excruciatingly slowly. When he was all the way in, she took his lips captive again as her hips ground into his, bouncing up and down in a satisfying rhythm. 

She gasped, whisper yelling out his name, one of his hands flicking her nipple while the other rubbed her clit, dragging her quickly over the edge. She cursed, her muscles clenching against him as he came soon after, warm and wet liquid spreading through her and onto her legs. 

"I have a lot to prove" he whispered in her ear, tracing her body with his nimble fingers, cupping her breast as she squirmed delightedly, bringing her to climax again. 

He collapsed against her, the wall of the dark stairwell cool against his sweaty body, forehead resting against hers, completely relaxed. If she could stop time in this moment she would, nothing else existed. Just the two of them, safe and secure.

"You're my beautiful Lettie..." he whispered, nose against hers, gingerly kissing her lips 

"I've always been yours..." she whispered back, memorizing the feel of his skin under her lips, the next day stubble beginning to grow

"You always will be" he promised, helping her dress again before heading back into the castle.  
————

"I think the snake is a Horcrux. He's keeping it too close for it to be anything else" Severus whispered to her that night as they lay awake in his bed 

"It does his bidding so that wouldn't surprise me. You should get some of its venom, to make an anti-potion. You never know when things could take a bad turn" she suggested, trying to distance herself from what she was saying. 

She didn't want to envision him being murdered. But the reality was there. 

"I shall do that the next meeting...I want you to keep your head low. Stay on good terms with the Carrows, morons that they are. Have you spoken to Longbottom lately?" he asked, kissing her forehead 

She caught Neville and several other students practicing their magic and gathering "behind" Severus' back. Dumbledore's Army. Not that Severus didn't know it was happening. He simply let them believe that. She used it to her advantage, gaining insight into the teens plans. They saw her as a fellow compatriot, a secretive dissident. And she relayed everything back to Severus. 

"They had a meeting tonight. I let them use my classroom. I kept the Carrows busy with a bottle of whiskey and cards" she rolled her eyes, kissing his chin and neck 

"I love you" he whispered, taking her body against his, desperately needing to feel human 

The love they shared between them was the only thing keeping his soul afloat. 

"I love you too. Show me how much you love me" she dared him, straddling his lap, his body instantly responding to her. 

Challenge accepted. 

——————  
December 

"Come with me. But you can't ask any questions" Severus demanded, taking her down the back stairwell 

"It's the middle of the night...Alright" she began to question but stopped when she saw the determination on his face 

They apparated outside of the castle to a secluded forest. The air hung heavy with suspense and freshly fallen snow. A silencing charm on their feet, they continued down to a small pond half frozen with ice. Severus pulled out a sword studded with rubies. 

She gasped. The sword of Gryffindor. How could he hold it? How did he get it in his possession? He, a Slytherin? 

"Those with a great need" he whispered mysteriously, knowing her thoughts, as he sent it to the bottom of the lake 

"Expecto Patronum!" Severus whispered, a brilliant white doe bounding out of his wand and up the woods 

A Patronus. Only a truly skilled wizard or witch could perform one. Hers was a horned owl. Soon, she saw Harry following the Patronus. How would he know to follow it? Unless the animal was something he had seen before...Keeping her wits about her, she pushed the thoughts of Lily from her mind. 

This was about her son. 

Diving into the water, Harry swam to retrieve the sword. A minute passed and he didn't pop up. 

"Severus...We should get him" she whispered frantically 

Severus watched anxiously, his feet just beginning to move when the quick snap of twigs caused them to turn. 

Ron Weasley ran into the lake, unceremoniously plopping his friend onto the frozen ground beside the water. They watched as Harry took off the locket and slashed it with the sword. A bright light and wave of energy flooded the woods. Then it was done. 

Severus held out his arm to her, and together they apparated back to the grounds. 

"I promised to keep him safe. He has the sword now. He can kill the snake" Severus told her in a rushed whisper 

"And he will never know the best of you..." she lamented, kissing his knuckles before departing away, not wanting to be caught by anyone on watch 

But it wasn't about anyone knowing his actions. It was about the promise.   
—————  
March 

"Alecto, would you like me to take him to the headmasters office?" Letitia asked with a fake syrupy sweetness when she saw Neville being dragged down the hallway past her office 

"Yes, please. I have a class to conduct. Make certain he is punished for his disruptions" Alecto handed him off to her, completely secure in her assumption of their friendship. 

Idiot. 

Alecto and Amycus liked to think they ruled with an iron fist but they were just cronies. Laughingstocks. Psychopaths with a hall pass. It made her stomach sick when she thought about Alecto taking over Charity's room, filling those kids minds with nonsense. Ruining the twenty year legacy that her friend fought to leave. She hoped a battle would come down between her and Alecto, it would be a pleasure. 

Walking with Neville a few yards away, making certain they were alone, she patted his shoulder

"What did you say?" 

He rolled his eyes 

"That her teaching was rubbish" 

"I thought you were trying to keep a low profile" Letitia reminded him conspiratorially 

He laughed sharply before admitting 

"I suppose I should. It's just hard to know what to fight for and what to let go..." 

"I know. You're doing just fine. Now go, and if Alecto asks what your punishment is, make it believable" she warned Neville, giving him a kindhearted shove 

"Thanks Governess. You know, you could get in trouble too with Snape if he finds out you're helping us" Neville cautioned her, looking around for said trouble 

"I'm not worried about that Neville. Don't think about me, okay?" she assured him, portraying bravery in the face of danger 

He nodded, walking away with his head held high. Harry might have been fighting a war out there, but Neville was bringing together an army for an uprising on the home front. And he was succeeding. That tiny boy who cowered in fear to a tall young man raising a rebellion. 

Both heroes in their own right.   
——————  
April 

Where was Severus? He hadn't sent her an owl. And he hadn't been to her room or his quarters. He had a meeting that night with the dark lord, and he was running late. It could be fine or it could be very, very, bad. Nerves on edge, she threw back a few shots of whiskey. 

Looking down at her dresser, she shredded the letter from her family 

"Letitia,  
Please come home. We're going to the Italian countryside to ride out this situation. Bring your friend. Let me know by the end of the week.   
-mum, dad, Sam" 

She wouldn't go home. Wouldn't desert everyone now. She may not go down fighting for the school, but she would for Severus. She had become rather adept at sneaking for information and passing it along. And no one suspected their relationship so they gossiped openly with her about their hatred for the new headmaster. 

Gods, did it kill Severus to be called headmaster. He never wanted it. But the dark lord required it. A double hit to the students. Not only was the person who supposedly murdered their headmaster still around them, but he had power over their lives. Little did they know he was protecting them with his every day. His soul bore the weight of false witness, growing heavier by the hour. She could only help for small sections of time...

Taking the back stairwell, she made her way up to his office. 

"Asphodel" she whispered to the door, hating the password

It swung open, revealing a body on the floor. 

Severus. 

She ran over, checking for a pulse. It was strong. Casting a protection around the office to keep away prying photographs, she unbuttoned his shirt and sucked in a breath when she saw the cuts and bruises across his chest and torso. 

Waving her wand, she could hear the repairs happening. It was possible there was still an unforgivable curse running it's course through his body. His eyes fluttered open a few minutes later, and he smiled faintly when he met her concerned gaze 

"Hey..."

"Are you okay?" she asked timidly, balancing between concern and hatred for what he had to do 

"I haven't been hard enough on the students...Had to be taught a lesson" he informed her, wincing as he sat up 

"I'm so sorry..." she apologized, feeling his face and collarbone for any small breaks 

"Meet me at our spot tomorrow at seven am. I was able to secure some time away. I have something I need to talk to you about" he told her, kissing her lips tenderly 

She nodded, taking that as her cue to leave. He needed to talk to Dumbledore's portrait. The man still nosy beyond the grave. Placing his moving parts postmortem. She couldn't wait until this was over. 

The next morning she put on a new dress. Simple black. There were so few reasons to celebrate anymore and a morning with Severus outside of the castle was something to praise. Making her way down to a secluded section or path to Hogsmeade, she waited behind an overgrown thicket of bushes where Severus was already waiting. 

"About time" he teased, immediately apparating them to a small town, the cobblestone streets rounded and hard under her feet 

"Where are we?" she asked curiously, taking in the quaint row houses and verdant foliage of oak and maple. 

"That doesn't matter. Come with me" he took her hand, leading her into a small home tucked in the corner of the row houses, barely visible from the road. 

He sat with her on the bed, taking off her cloak, kissing her neck as if he hadn't seen her in months 

What do you need to tell me" she teased, enjoying his insistent tongue against her collarbone, his hair caressing her cheek 

"Don't rush me woman. I am the headmaster after all. You must do exactly as I say" he rolled his eyes, pretending to be stern 

"Oh yes sir" she joked, pushing him back on the bed to feel his body

As they lay together after, stark naked under the smooth blankets, he held her close to his chest 

"I need to talk to you about something" he spoke carefully, turning her chin to face him, she nodded for him to continue 

"This war is going to kill me. I'm not going to make it out alive. And I need you to know everything. I need you to see" he stated, touching her nose to his

"Don't talk that way Severus. We will make it out alive. Both of us" she stopped him, the fear of losing him creeping into her toes and belly 

He pressed a slim finger to her lips 

"This is a reality. You need to be ready. I will die with every known person in our community thinking of me as a traitor. I won't be hurt if you go along with it. I will leave nothing good behind...Nothing but the love that I have shared with you. And even that has come after years of you living in pain, trying to save me. I won't have had any children, any lasting impact...And you will be left with only memories. Most tainted by wasted years when I couldn't see your love, when I wouldn't allow myself to see it. 

I want you to be my legacy. Our love. It's the only really true, good and right thing that I have done. I want you to have all I've worked for; it's not much but it's something. Nothing compares to the love that has grown between us. That is everlasting..." he told her, voice trembling with passion and wistfulness. 

He sat them up, a new expression crossing his face. Eyes light with...hope? And fear. The ever present fear. One day she wished he would look at her with no fear. 

"You will leave behind more than you think. Our love is the most beautiful thing I've ever done..." she told him honestly, her heart heavy and confused as to what he was talking about 

He stood up, bringing her close to the edge of the bed, wrapped in the blankets. Taking her hands, he knelt down on one knee, an oval sapphire ring with tiny black diamonds on a gold band balanced on his outstretched palm 

"Marry me Lettie. Be my wife. Let our love be my legacy" he turned his face up to hers, eyes pleading and burning at the same time.

Her heart stopped. Lungs frozen. Why would he ask her that right in the middle of the war? When he was the most vulnerable? When literally anything could be a reason to kill him or show allegiance to anything other than the dark lord? 

He truly was going to die. And he needed to live the rest of his life in this moment. He wanted her to be safe. He loved her so much he was willing to risk everything, even Harry, to marry her and ensure her a safe future...With or without him. 

"Of course I will. I love you" she breathed out, tears overflowing and lip trembling uncontrollably 

And he grinned. Wide and unashamed. Happy. Even for just one moment as he slipped the ring onto her finger. She launched herself forward, arms around his neck, blanket wrapped around her legs, kissing him feverishly, cementing the memory. 

"When are we doing this?" she asked him a few minutes later, breathless and flushed 

"As soon as we get dressed" he told her, shy smile upturning his lips 

It was so good to see him smile. She drew in a deep breath, letting the news sink in. 

"I know this isn't probably how you planned it..." he said apologetically, holding her hand, staring at the ring as if he couldn't believe it himself 

"I didn't think I would get married. I have no preconceived notions. I just want it to be with you...How are we going to do this without anyone finding out?" she assured him, completely truthful in her statement 

"I have a friend. My one family connection. He won't say a thing. Let's take a walk downstairs, he will be here soon" he said mischievously 

"I don't have a dress" she whined, instantly feeling horrible about complaining in light of the situation 

"Look in the closet" he answered conspiratorially, summoning over his dress slacks and a jacket from said closet 

Skipping over, she flung the door open, her hands flying up to her mouth. 

A vibrant green silk dress with a lace chiffon skirt hung there, sleeves patterned with scalloped lace, a deep v-cut neckline hand embroidered with white pearls. 

"This is the most beautiful dress I've ever seen..." she whispered, running her finger along the torso 

"I tried to match the color of your eyes...But they're impossible to match. Completely unique. You would be the most beautiful woman in the world no matter what you wore..." he took the dress off the hook, unzipping it, holding it out for her to step into 

Holding back her tears, she stepped into the folds of fabric, enjoying the visual of Severus traipsing about, trying to find the perfect dress. She trembled as Severus' fingers trailed up her spine. He kissed the top of her spine, hands on her hips. 

A perfect fit. He knew her body so well. He knew everything about her. He pulled the emerald necklace that he gave her before the Yule Ball from his pocket and gingerly clasped it around her neck. Stepping into the simple black flats that he also brought, she looked into the mirror. She was a bride and he was her groom. 

Husband and wife. 

Taking her arm, they walked down the thin staircase of the tiny house where an elderly man with a long white ponytail and ebony cane stood at the bottom with a smile on his face. 

"Ah. My young friend Severus. And your bride Miss Leticia. So beautiful" his fickle voice spoke out 

"Constantine. Good to see you. Thank you for this favor. I trust you will keep this all in confidence, as we planned?" Severus shook his hand, Constantine pulling him in for a quick hug 

"Of course. The utmost secrecy. Shall we get started? Hand me your wands" the older man said with his hands held out 

Severus placed both their wands in Constantine's wrinkled hands, smirking at her expression when she realized he had taken it without her knowledge. 

"I will perform a wand bonding first. Your wands will recognize the other owner as it's master. The wands will perform double the power when used in tandem. This bonding is just as official as a piece of paper done at the ministry. Even more so as the wand is an extension of the owner. These wands will never be able to battle against the other. Is this acceptable to both of you?" Constantine explained, peering over his glasses 

Looking into each other's eyes, they nodded. A wand bonding wasn't normal procedure. It was something that was done in medieval times when magic was meant to be kept hidden. When public marriage wasn't acceptable for magical folk. It was perfect for their situation. 

The wands lifted, gold light encasing them both before they settled back onto the small table that Constantine placed in front of him. 

"Next, we will perform a blood bonding. A mixing of magical blood is as legal as a simple body bond. This isn't common practice and is used only in situations of life and death. Where public knowledge of a marriage could ascertain murder of either person. Do you both acknowledge this reality and consent to the bond?" 

Gripping Severus' hand, they both agreed. 

Constantine continued 

"In the event of death, a test of your blood at the ministry will prove your marriage. But there will be no other documentation. A blood marriage is binding while both people are alive. It cannot be unbonded. Another blood bond or body bonding will not take and in fact, will cause death to the one seeking the new bond. Is that understood and agreed?" 

Forever. It wasn't scary to her. It didn't freak her out. Or intimidate her. She wanted to jump right in. Start her life with him. And only him. Looking up into his eyes, he appeared timid. As if she may flee. 

"I want to be your wife. Only yours" she assured him, kissing his knuckles 

"And I want to be your husband. Even if it isn't for as long as it should have been" he kissed her hand, lips lingering. 

"We agree" they said in unison 

Constantine smiled, holding out a small blade

"One small drop of sacrifice. This step is a reminder of the things we do for love. Sacrificing our comfort for the other. A reminder that what hurts in the moment will not matter in eternity. Severus, prick Letiticia's thumb, Leticia, do the same for Severus. Then, hold your thumbs together while I perform the incantation"

Severus held her thumb, the razor sharp blade poised above her skin 

"Breathe in..." he instructed her calmly, which she did and then "breathe out" 

When she let out her breath, he pressed the blade into her skin, the bite stinging as the red began to pool. 

Holding the now bloody blade, she wavered. She didn't want to hurt him. 

"One small sacrifice" he reassured her, taking an exaggerated breath in and out. 

She pressed the blade quickly onto his skin, mildly horrified as the scent of iron wafted up to her nose. They touched the open wounds to the other, the warm and thick liquid beginning to clot and dry on their skin as Constantine chanted old magic. 

White light ensconced their bodies, whirling around them and then entering their skin, flowing through as if they were invisible. She felt it in her soul. In her bones. In her blood. Her entire body became warm and tingled with electricity. Severus shivered and she knew he was experiencing the same thing as her. 

"You are now blood bonded. Congratulations. I am sorry the situation warrants such secrecy. Love deserves to be celebrated openly. I will be going now; your secret is safe with me" Constantine bowed and disapparated. 

Severus took his wand and healed her finger and then his own. The moment lay fragile at their feet, thinning ice over a deep lake. 

"I love you" she told him, leaning up for a kiss 

"I love you too. More than anything else in this life" he promised her, lips touching hers, melting and moving by memory

"I'm not taking this dress off" she told him with a grin, stretching on her tip toes as they began to sway back and forth. 

"That is perfectly fine with me. Whatever you wish for the rest of the day my beautiful bride..." he picked her up easily, carrying her up the stairs to their bedroom. 

Eight uninterrupted hours. Pure bliss. 

———————

"Governess?" came Neville's voice from outside her door late that night. 

Severus shot up from beside her on the couch, retreating into the bedroom. They usually stayed in his room but tonight, they couldn't make it to his wing of the castle before the desire to make love to every inch of his body won out over logistics. 

She wrapped her robe tightly around her body, allowing Neville...and Harry, into her living room. 

"Oh" she whispered, uncertain of how to proceed 

"We're gathering the resistance. We're going to run out Professor Snape. Can you help us fight? We need people outside the castle, willing to defend the front lines. Professor McGonagall is gathering some of the other adults...I don't want to put kids there first" Neville informed her of the plan, staring in her eyes as he basically asked her to be a human shield. 

To be on the front lines. To offer her body as a defense and probably lose. 

"I will do that Neville. Gladly. Thank you for your work. Harry, please be careful" she told them evenly, not wanting to give away any of the plan that she knew of from the other side. 

Severus would pretend to be run off. He would voluntarily abscond his position. He would help Harry from the outside.

The two boys ran off, the door shutting heavily behind them. She locked and warded her door as Severus slinked out. 

"This is it" he whispered to her, pulling her tightly into him, as if he could make their bodies one. 

They already were. 

"I love you. Please take your anti-venom. I will find you" she promised him, kissing him deeply, running her hands through his silky hair one last time. 

"Keep safe. The plan has to be followed. I love you. Please do not ever forget that Lettie" he kissed her forehead, cheek, nose, and lips, eyes watering. 

She didn't want to let him go. 

"We don't have to do this. We can leave right now. Harry has the whole world fighting for him" she tried one last time, voice cracking 

"I have to do this. One final promise. Then it's all about us. I. Love. You. My beautiful Lettie" he wrapped her up in one last frantic hug, kissing the top of her head and lingering on her lips before he nearly ran away, out into the hallway. 

One final promise. A sealing of fate. He had to make it. Gathering all her courage, she grabbed a bezoar stone that she bought the week prior, a cure all potion, some dittany, and a small Muggle medical kit. She didn't know what she would use it for, but her brother assured her that it would come in handy for emergencies. 

Head back, shoulders straight, she walked down to the edge of the castle to take up guard. As the cool breeze of the late June night caressed her face, she heard the sound of breaking glass. Looking up, she saw a black figure flying out from the castle and down to near the lake. Cheering erupted from the castle. 

It had to be Severus. He had abdicated his position. She could stay here, and fight. Or she could follow him. Her loyalty was not to a community but to a man. The blood flowing through her veins driving her forward. 

Warding the edges of the castle with every spell and entrapment she knew, she pulled her cloak up over her head, performing a shield charm on herself as she ran down to the boathouse where she saw the flying shadow land. 

Crouching down in a corner, she saw nothing yet. No one was there. But she was certain she saw him land here. Following the pull of her blood, she stayed. Bonded. The bond would tell her. 

Nearly an hour later, a high pitched voice shattered the air. Two pairs of footprints. Threatening. Through the shadows, she saw three pairs of feet underneath a back wall. It had to be Harry, Hermione, and Ron. What were they doing there?

"The Elder wand cannot serve me properly, Severus, because I am not it's true master. The Elder Wand belongs to the wizard who killed its last owner. You killed Albus Dumbledore. While you live, Severus, the Elder Wand cannot be truly mine" 

Oh no. He was going to kill Severus. Severus had known all along. He had prepared her for this. But she didn't have to give in. Her blood was raging. 

"My Lord!" she heard Severus protest, watching as he raised his wand

Kill him! She urged, knowing it was moot. Harry had to kill the dark lord. Severus was a sacrifice right now. On a silver platter. 

Fighting every fiber of her being from jumping in front of Severus, she watched as his throat was slashed and that insipid snake tore at him. The dark lord floated away with Nagini, and she made her way to Severus, watching as the three students fumbled with a vial and caught the tears that were falling. 

Her blood was slowing. She only had a small amount of time. The three ran away, Severus' body limp against the wall. Running over, she began replacing his blood, using the incantation he taught her, shoving the bezoar down his throat, vision obscured by tears. 

This had to work. It had to. 

"Severus! Severus! Wake up!" she yelled, not caring who heard. 

His body lay still and her blood ceased to rush. 

——————  
One Month Later

"Did you hear what Potter said?" Minerva asked her as they cleaned up the castle and Letitia gathered all her classroom supplies. 

She would not be returning to teach. 

"About what?" she asked the elder witch, the smell of blood and decay still hanging heavy in the air 

"Severus was on our side the whole time. I truly believed the worst of him...And now he's gone. We don't even have a body to lay to rest...I can't apologize" Minerva lamented, tears beginning to fall down her worn skin 

"He didn't seem to be a man to care about such things anyway..." Letitia answered vaguely, the vision of Severus' still body fresh in her mind. 

"He wasn't. He did the right thing. And we all thought the worst. He will receive all the highest awards, albeit posthumous. Are you certain that I can't convince you to stay?" Minerva asked her, placing a hand on her shoulder 

"Thank you headmistress. But I'm ready to move on. I'm sure everyone else here is too. Thank you for your kindness" Letitia answered, giving a hug to the witch. 

"I'm sorry for your loss. I know you were friends with Severus" Minerva called to her, truly mournful. 

"Yes. A loss of my friend..." Letitia answered vaguely, making her way to the edge of the grounds

Her bag weighed heavy on her shoulder, several hundred galleons from Severus' vault. The rest transferred to her vault. Luckily, goblins were subject to death if they spoke of anyone's personal information. The marriage between her and Severus would remain a secret. 

She shook off the gloom, face tingling in the anticipation of apparition. 

As she stood in front of her parents house, a weird mixture filled her belly. Comfort and annoyance. The large Victorian mansion loomed empty and foreboding while her family tied up loose ends in Italy. Taking a deep breath, she walked into her childhood home, heels clicking on the marble tile, past the living room and the kitchen, back to her corner of the house. Entering her cream colored room with rows of exotic plants, she was greeted immediately by her husband, fresh from the shower. 

"Did they believe it?" he asked with a grin, mint shampoo surrounding her comfortingly, the steam still furling about in the air from the shower 

She had believed it too. When his heart momentarily stopped beating before the anti venom kicked in and the bezoar stone began to work. Using her wand, she repaired his throat: all the arteries and veins. Then the final layer of skin. Barely even a scar. 

Then she apparated them back to her parents home amongst his feeble attempts to try and stand to fight. She held allegiance to one man only. She felt no guilt about her choice. Severus agreed later that she made the right decision. Choosing to return to the castle the next day, she claimed to be knocked out somewhere on the grounds by a Death Eater. 

No one questioned her. Especially after Harry's account of Severus' supposed death. 

"Completely. You're in the clear my dear husband. Now, what do we do? Where do we go?" she slipped off his towel, kissing his chest and stomach. 

He ignored her advances, choosing instead to hug her, enjoying the feel of her body against his, reveling in the safety and hope of the future. Their bodies one. 

"The future can wait. I just want to be with you, right here, right now. I love you so much and I can't wait to finally show you" he tipped her chin up, sweetly kissing her lips 

"I love you too. Forever" she spoke around his mouth, walking them towards the bed. 

They no longer had to fear a life apart. Love would survive. Love had lived.


	13. After

"Coming through! Gotta find the Snitch!" shouted Sev, her six year old spritely boy, black hair plastered against his scalp as he zoomed on his broom, performing a barrel roll around the backyard in the bright spring sunlight

"Stay above the little one's heads! We're running low on scar cream" Letitia called out to her eldest son from her place on the porch swing where she sat nursing her youngest daughter, three month old Orla. 

Orla cooed, her eyes just beginning to shift to the same emerald green as her older siblings. They had Letitia's eyes but everything else screamed Severus. 

"Mama! Asher exploded my castle!" yelled Cedar, her chubby round face of just three years turning pink in anger at her twin brother, who was giddily building fortresses and exploding them with his pudgy hands 

Letitia laughed at the barely contained chaos that was her life. The war seemed a distant memory as she breathed in the clear air of the Swiss Alps where they had built their home. 

"Asher, explode your own castles. Cedar! Put him down this instant, you know our rule on levitation. No dessert if you continue" Letitia chastised her, hiding her smile as her children performed flawless magic, naturally gifted. 

Six months after the war, they fled to a small town known for its medicinal studies, hidden away in the Alps. Then she found that she was pregnant. She and Severus had been overjoyed and terrified at the same time. 

Severus set his dogged determination and loyalty on one thing only: being the best husband and father he could be. And he hadn't disappointed. His soul slowly opening, a budding rose after being held tightly after a long winter and finally feeling springs warm rays. 

This was happiness. And contentment. And peace. They deserved it. 

His footsteps padded across the wooden porch as he eased himself down beside her on the swing. He had aged very little in the past few years but somehow appeared even more regal. Back straighter, smile easier, mind keen, and heart overflowing. 

"My Lettie" he leaned over and kissed her gently, cupping her cheek with his palm 

"Yours" she replied back, heart filled with gratitude every time he returned to her presence. 

He worked a few short blocks away, at his own apothecary: Prince Potions. A subtle nod to his old moniker as well as his family. Of course, his new identification stated his name: Alexander Prince. Business was prosperous and people came from miles around to buy his specialty brews. 

They used to be fearful of being found, but while news of the war had spread to this section of the world, the details weren't so important. Life moved on softly and quietly. 

"Daddy! Watch this!" Asher yelled, holding his hands out and viciously exploding his own sand fortress 

"Very impressive!" Severus called out, eyebrow raised in approval 

"He's been working on that for the last hour, much to Cedar's dismay" Letitia told him with a grin, leaning against his shoulder 

"Did she levitate him again?" he asked with a chuckle, secretly enjoying their middle daughters slightly vindictive streak 

"Of course. Only a few inches this time" 

"Ah. Merciful overlord" he joked, kissing her forehead

"I think she enjoys it a bit too much" Letitia told him honestly, sitting Orla up to burp her as she covered herself. 

"I'll talk to her later before bed. Would you like a nap? Or a bath?" he asked her tenderly, an old hand at what postpartum did to her body 

"You just got home, are you sure?" she asked, knowing that he was eager to hang out with the kids

"Take your time. I've got this" he helped her up as he took the baby, expertly eliciting a big belch on the first pat.

"Show off" she teased, heading inside to draw a bath and relax for an hour before they made dinner together and bedlam continued. 

As much as Severus hated chaos in his classroom, that had more to do with the fact that he was chained there by guilt. At home, he saw learning in every opportunity, encouraging the play and noise because he was never allowed to do those things. She listened with a smile as their gleeful voices carried upstairs. 

Family.


End file.
